Object Of My Desire: Loeffler Randall Snakeskin Belinda Pump

($332, Loeffler Randall, Refinery29.com)

Are you KIDDING me? And I love how, from afar, they look like newsprint. But NOPE! NOT NEWSPRINT! SNAKESKIN! And a SNAKESKIN ROSETTE? Um, "LIKES THIS!"

Also, as much as I NO lovey U2, I DO love this song, which perfectly expresses my longing for the above Loeffler Randall heels.

Rainbow Fringe Leggings = WOOF

($150, Kapow! Wow! Farfetch.com)

Yes, these are rainbow fringed leggings. Calf-length, to make matters worse. They're by Kapow! Wow!? Which, at this point is more like Ka-pohhhhno. Woof.

WTF Files: Sorority Dress Code FOR CRAZY PEOPLE

GOD BLESS the good gals at Fashionista. They received, and posted (obviously) a six-page BATSHIT DOCUMENT of what one whore at the clearly distinguished chapter of the Pi Phi sorority at Cornell University deemed appropriate to wear to rush. IT'S SIX PAGES of fashion do's and don'ts. And, unbeknownst to her, most of her don'ts are actually do's and her do's are blatant don'ts. Also, people, this isn't just a rush document. It's a HOW TO LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE MANUAL. Seriously, someone give Anna Wintour the boot IMMEDS. This wretched beast is obviously a style GENIUS.

On eyeshadow:
"light pinks look surprisingly good on most people."
NO! NO THEY DO NOT!

On cocktail dresses:
"No satin. no one looks good in satin dresses unless its (sic) from betsey johnson or dolce and gabanna."
Like... HOW do you jump from Betsey Johnson to D&G?

On pants:
"No full length pants of non-jeans material."
IT'S CALLED DENIM, YOU BIG STUPID ASSHOLE!

On shoes that are acceptable:
"mid-height Mary Jane heels or mid-height chunky kate spade"
ALSO KNOWN AS THE FUGLIEST SHOES EVER.

One of my favorite of her directives:
"You best have a mani pedi when you get to Ithaca."

Never mind the vagina monologues. This is the cunt manifesto. Read the whole sordid sorority tale here.

The Melting Season: Giveaway WINNERS!

Update: WINNERS ANNOUNCED! Get thee to the comments section to see if you won. And if you didn't, get thee to the bookstore!

You read, right, readers? I mean, I just called you readers, and no one can look at glowing rectangles forever. Sometimes you need to curl up with the printed word, printed on a piece of paper, a lot of pieces of paper, actually, that are bound together between two much thicker pieces of paper. Like...a book. And I've got one for you. It's called The Melting Season, and it was written by my friend Jami Attenberg.

It's a novel about a Midwestern girl who decides to leave her unsatisfying life and husband behind and head west to find...something. Like Las Vegas. And a best friend. And maybe a clue. It's a fun read, and I highly recommend you purchase it when it comes out this Thursday.

Jami is getting plenty of attention for this, her third book, from O magazine and Glamour and Marie Claire and the Huffington Post and New York magazine...why not you?

We have a copy to give away to two lucky readers. Details on how to win after this excerpt:::

I wished I looked as classy. Valka had loaned me one of her party dresses, a strappy gown that swooped down low on the chest, and was shredded at the bottom and covered with sequins so that it looked like my legs were covered with shiny feathers. On her I was sure the dress would look glamorous, but on me it looked like I was trying to grow up fast. Valka helped me tease out my hair and told me I looked like I could be in a Bon Jovi video. “You’re a vixen,” she said. I did not want to be a vixen. I did not know what I wanted to be, but a vixen did not seem like the kind of thing that would come natural to me. I missed my flip-flops the minute I slipped on Valka’s patent leather high heels. “They’re fuck-me shoes,” said Valka. She scared me sometimes. I stared down and wondered how I was going to last in them all night, and if I really was required to have sex with someone when I was wearing them. Maybe I was a fraud if I wore these shoes. I had been with my husband for so long. And things had never been right in that area anyway. I had thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone else, sure. To see if it could be better. Or different anyway. But to fuck? That was a particular kind of act. Fucking was like howling at the moon, and I was no stray. Or had not been one in my past. I suddenly wanted to rip the shoes off my feet and throw them out of the room. Who knew there could be so much trouble with just one pair of shoes?

So tell me, reader, what have you ever worn that was most out of your comfort zone? Or, tell me what the hell you would wear for a night out in Vegas. I don't know, 'cause I've never been. Or, what is the most outlandish outfit you've ever borrowed from a friend? Just leave a comment, and the winners will be chosen at my whim on Thursday, the day the book comes out.

Also! Jami is doing a book tour. Won't you go say hello to her if she's coming to your city?

Why Aren't I Wearing: These Two-Tone Fergie 'Amplify' Heels

I will full-on admit that I like Fergie. Well, I have a soft spot for her. She fully embraces her trannydom, she's always workin' on her fitness, she can do a cartwheel and sing at the same time, she once peed her pants in public and was like 'whatevs,' and her hair is usually fun.

Therefore, I'm NOT at all ashamed to be having thoughts about Fergie's "Amplify" heels. They're bold and transrageous, just like their namesake.

($59.99, Fergie, Piperlime.com)

($250, Current Elliott, Net-a-porter.com)

I'd wear them with these Current Elliott medium wash skinny jeans (if I owned them).

Uniqlo: You Take The Good With The Bad

So, here's me, and you can tell by my face the kind of reaction I'm having to discovering plush, candy-colored tiny backpacks at Uniqlo. Ack. Unsurprisingly, they were priced to move. Also unsurprisingly, they didn't seem to be moving. The orange one looks like that orange Weight Watchers "Hungry" guy (who I'm positive a descendant of the Domino's Noid.)


I will hand it to Uniqlo -- their HeatTech three-quarter sleeve scoop-neck shirts are fantastic. They're made of like, some thoroughly thought-out heat-preserving material, milk and protein I think, and astronauts or something. Anyway, the shirts are under $15.50, come in a variety of sizes and colors, and, best of all, they're super softy and silky, and when you wash them, they don't get all gross and shapeless. I'm a huge fan of the long-sleeved black tops -- I bought a few in black (again -- they're $15.50 -- can't beat that price), and have held up like champs. Plus, models like 'em.

Hobo Shoes! Now Just $2115

Got $2115? These hobo-looking shoes look like they walked out of a cliched hobo cartoon. Is this some kind of reverse classism? Busted-looking hobo shoes that 15,000 hobos and a rich dude couldn't even afford? Gross. And they don't even come with a stick and a bandana? Really, Seth?

($2115, Augusta, Luisaviaroma.com)

Oh, and they're not available until March. Perhaps because they're busy perfecting them. If you can't wait that long, check out these hobo shoes!

They're a cool $8.99.

American Apparel Now Carries SESAME STREET Tees!

($25, American Apparel)

... And I honestly have NO earthly idea why. Like, REALLY American Apparel? Is NOTHING sacred anymore? Big Bird has to be splashed across sheer (of COURSE they're sheer) shirts worn by girls with come-hither stares? Ugh. Also, I'm a compartmentalizer, so I like my porn separate from my licensed children's apparel. Like, you shouldn't be able to buy a child's Sesame Street shirt at the same place as, um, this.

Also, here's a fun game to play! It's called "Kid's shirt or inappropriately short shirt geared toward slutty grownups?"

You decide!

Angel Jackson Bags Are Like TO DIE

You might wanna put on a diaper before you check out these studded leather bags, because you're surely shit yourself. They're by the sister act Katie and Millie Smith who design the marvelous Angel Jackson line of bags and belts. WANT.

($293, Angeljackson.co.uk)

Love the snakeskin, studs, '80s brights, and Chanel-inspired chain strap of the Disco Jack bag.

($246, Angeljackson.co.uk)

Snakeskin AND jaguar = two marauding members of the animal kingdom perfectly represented on one studded bag.

And, finally, a studded bag for A LOT less:

($72.99, Modcloth.com)

I got this from Lulu's, but I think they're sold out there. I've yet to use it, because I'm getting a lot of mileage out of the Eryn Brinie bag below (which wasn't worth the full price but definitely worth the sale price, but it's a whole lotta bag and would look pretty cute with an all-black outfit, since it's pretty noisy all on its own.

($69, Eryn Brinie)

Urban Outfitters Is Really Doing Some Fantastic Things With Shoes Right Now

I'm feeling such primal urges toward shoe shopping right now. Mommy! What do my feelings mean? (Will I still be a virgin?) I think I need to fantasy shop to fulfill my urge to buy a shitton of shoes. Like just fill up a cart with these shoes, and then close it, the way ex-smokers will pretend to inhale a lit cigarette. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Okay... GO!

($48, Urbanoutfitters.com)

Um, hi. These neutral suede heels are just $48. It's like they WANT US TO BUY THEM or something! How sweet would these look with grey tights? They also come in grey, but they're SOLD OUT. BOO HISS!

($68, Deena & Ozzy, Urbanoutfitters.com)

Granted, I wouldn't be able to walk from my bedroom to my apartment door without falling in these wedges, but I would if I could. They remind me of Rick Owens' crazy platform wedges at one one-billionth of the price.

($58, Urbanoutfitters.com)

Eee! I LOVE a white macrame bootie! They remind me of the Steve Madden "Skiip" woven Oxfords I love and have worn into the ground.

($89.99, Matiko, Urbanoutfitters.com)

Is there anything more FOSSE than a black suede platform? IT'S SHOWTIME!

New Shoes! Louise Goldin For Topshop Studded Heels

I wish Blogger had a "likes this" button. Because I'd be hitting it HARD over these Louise Goldin for Topshop studded heels.


They're $310 at Topshop.com. The black and rose ones (the rose are my faves) are online February 5, and the cream ones are available beginning March 2010. All of the Louise Goldin heels hit Topshop in New York in late March.

OR, if you can't wait, pick up some Rock & Republic needle-heel Nika heels

($295, Rock & Republic, Footcandyshoes.com)

... Or Kenna, the gorgeous boot version of Nika. It's on SUPER-DUPER sale at Shopbop.

($297, Rock & Republic, Shopbop.com)

H&M Destroys, Dumps, Doesn't Donate Clothes That Don't Sell

And a happy new year to you too! A particularly vile story from The New York Times: The 34th Street Herald Square H&M has been intentionally destroying and dumping clothes that don't sell -- destroying perfectly good winter coats, jackets, and more warm stuff, so that the clothing can't be worn. Instead of donating the clothing to the countless New Yorkers (or people worldwide) who are freezing. The irony -- directly below that H&M is a train station where COLD HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE LIVING. Why? Because unfortunately it's not hard to find homeless people in New York. HOW is H&M not donating these warm winter items?

The story is currently trending on Twitter, so hopefully that instant spreading of information, as well as the gravity of the initial Times story will be a wake-up call for H&M and encourage them to take some kind of retroactive responsibility -- donating a substantial amount of money and clothing to a local and/or national homeless organization or outreach center like New York Cares.