Sweet Zara Balenciaga-esque Heels

I'm not fully sure why Zara's dropping these fun chain-link sandals like right this second, but they're fun, limited-edition -- only 1,000 pairs made -- and at $229, they're basically Balenciaga for like a seventh of the price. Pick 'em up if you're in the neighborhood.

Balenciaga Studded Gladiators

($706, Balenciaga, Brownsfashion.com)

Sure, there are many tran-tacular aspects to these rainbow-studded Balenciaga cut-out heels, but the reality of the situation is that I'd still hit it.

Oh, Steve Madden

Really, you shouldn't have. Like, you REALLY REALLY should not have:

($149, Steve Madden)

($99.95, Steve Madden)

The real ones were bad enough -- and JUST about to finally die! These are a comedic collage of faux-Balenciaga errors.

More Balenciaga Badness

(Photo via People.com)

GAH! Aside from the EVERYTHING that's wrong north of her knees, Jennifer Connelly is also redirecting the traffic of misery south of her ankles with these moiré-inducing Balenciaga heels.

For those of you who don't know what moiré is -- and don't worry, I knew that it existed, but I wasted like 30 minutes looking for the term in Google -- it's that terrible pattern you see on TV, especially when someone's wearing tweed or houndstooth. It makes a jumping effect, and it's created by two sets of patterns that basically overlap and make your eyes wanna barf.

Just like so!

Anyway, there's your science lesson for the day! Still, it's NO excuse for these heinous zig-zag heels!

Beyonce's Bringin' Balenciaga Back... Again...

I saw Beyonce in those absurd $4,150 Balenciaga Lego heels at the AMAs the other week, but I was too lazy to "bolg" about it. Thankfully, the absurdly, obscenely hilarious Kingdom Of Style busted wasn't -- she nabbed Ms. Knowles for galavanting about in these trannybot heels.

Anyway, these shoes are Pure Atrocity. Plus, and I'm not usually the first to blow the "soooo last-season" whistle, but these um, are, especially when you're as recognizable as Beyonce and you're wearing primary colored Transformers on your feet at an awards show. Dude, it is YOUR DUTY to bring something FRESH to the table, even if it is something your cray-cray mama made outta Liberace curtains.

Manolo himself deemed these old "hat," if you will, back in September. THE HORROR!

Anyway, LEAVE THEM ALONE, Chris Crocker style. Let them go quietly into that deep, dark hein-shoe resting place in the sky, never to be heard from again. Can we? Please? Forever? Forever and for realsies?