Because Sometimes An Adult Wants To Wear A Plush Bat Coat

Sometimes that bat coat is from Forever 21 (AKA Forever 35), and sometimes that adult is me.

Miss Jessie's Leave In Condish Wins Esteemed Award Of My Favorite Name Of Any Beauty Product Ever

$11, Miss Jessie's

Usually the distinction of beauty products with the best name goes to OPI (Uh-Oh Roll Down the Window!!) and Benefit (They're Real mascara, which I used to love, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to get off of your face without the aid of a surgeon, and ain't got time for that). But Miss Jessie just snatched that wig with her new leave in conditioner entitled "Leave In Condish." I'm a busy girl, and clearly so is Miss Jessie, since she didn't have time to add the "-itioner" to this condish.

I've yet to try it (quick real talk -- I have been using Miss Jessie's Pillow Curls, and I'm into it -- it's a lightweight cream styler) but considering I have Sideshow Bob curly hair that requires two to three buckets of condish(-itioner) when I actually do wash my hair, I'm game to down to dump at least a bottle on top of my head and hope for the best, which pretty much sums up my whole hair game.

Paul & Joe Sister's Minete Cat Shirt Is The Cat Shirt To End All Cat Shirts

$211, The-Dressingroom.com

Put a fork in me (gently), Paul & Joe Sister. After this Minette all-over print cat blouse, I'm totally done. Get it at The-Dressingroom.com, this weird UK boutique that may be a total scammer site, or IRL in Brooklyn at Article &, formerly Dear Fieldbinder, which, by the way, isn't closing after all! Huzzah!

Related, please enjoy a photo of my actual cats love-choking each other.

'Share A Beautiful Evening With Your Husband And Rock Hudson,' Said This Completely Clueless 1965 Movie Theater Ad!

Well, this is amazing and completely tone deaf. I was Googling dead malls of Cleveland, Ohio, where I grew up (as one does on a beautiful fall Sunday in Brooklyn -- no really, I have a very weird and oddly specific thing for abandoned, dead, and decaying malls -- I could read about them endlessly), and I came across this 1965 newspaper ad for the then-brand-new Severance center movie theater in Cleveland, Ohio. (I grew up going to this mall and its future movie iteration of the movie theater, where I saw "Parenthood," thank you very much.) 

Via Mike Rivest, Google Plus -- check out his incredible collection of vintage Cleveland movie ads.

Could you imagine a better night out for bored Northeast Ohio housewives in 1965 than a romantic evening on the town smoking a cigarette inside a movie theater (superb art in the hallway, BTWs), while pining away for Rock Hudson who was clearly busy lusting after Gina Lollobrigida! Obviously! Not that he'd ever have given you the time of day. You know -- because he was too busy lusting after Gina Lollobrigida, of course! Still, what a rich, opulent, smokey atmosphere for filmland enjoyment! What a fellow! And what a fellow your husband is, parking the car with ease, never being able to find it in the sea of 5,000 other cars! What a night! 

My Starbucks Drake Hands Video: ONE AT A TIME, BOYS!

The dude who made the Starbucks Drake Hands video (not realizing he'd become the progenitor of the worst-ever pick-up attempt and the BEST meme that doesn't involve a cat or other adorable animal) has my utmost respect, and not just because he looks like a Ryan Seacrest doppelganger who picked up his mating rituals from an early '90s karaoke video, but because he was obviously born with a congenital birth defect that's left him physically incapable of giving a solitary fuck.

Anyway, because I'm obviously SUPER busy socially, I did what any grown-up, mature, hard-working, tax-paying 30-something member of a first-world society would do: I went home and made two Starbucks Drake Hands video, one (poorly) featuring my cat Charlie, and the other featuring me at my absolute sexist. Easy there, boys! One at a time!

These C. Wonder Dachshund Loafers Look So Sad Not On My Feet

$138, C. Wonder

Really need for these to adopt these puppies for fall. Also, I SWEAR I'll walk them three times a day and feed them and clean up their poo! PLEASE, MOOOHHHHHMMMM!

Aaron Paul With His Pants Randomly Unzipped In GQ: A Gratuitous Post-Breaking Bad Tribute

Credit: Carter Smith/ GQ

Aaron Paul's pants are needlessly yet charitably unzipped in this August 2012 GQ spread, proving that once he takes off the drug dealer skullcap and Affliction hoodie and takes a shower, dude transforms into a totally bangable bro. (Also, can someone pitch an "adult film" called "Banging Bad," featuring Aaron Paul, or do I have to go track down fan fic and let my mind do the rest?) 

Good night, sweet prince. God speed, bitch!

You Really Really Need Hologram Shoes

Hey gurl. Your feet are boring. Fix 'em. Hologram shoes. It's real. It's levels to this shit. To paraphrase Adam Duritz, "When I look down at my holographic shoes, I want to see me staring right back at me." Wait. Maybe it's actually "When I look at the television, I want to see me staring right back at me," but potato/ potahto. Fact remains: hologram shoes, some black tights and a black mini and chunky sweater or denim jacket over a vintage t-shirt hold SO much appeal to me this fall.

$218, Miista, Nastygal.com

Because I'm telling myself sandals are okay for fall. This is my idea of growing more accepting as I get older.

$59, Urban Outfitters

Brogue lyf, son.

$180, To Be Announced, Urban Outfitters

Inky, oily everything, please.

$98, vintage Stuart Weitzman, FeelingVaguelyVintage.etsy.com

These holographic snake print Stuart Weitzman chunky sneakers ACTUALLY HAPPENED! They happened in the '90s, and there's nothing you can do short of inventing and piloting a time machine to change it. Just accept it and consider maybe even embracing and then buying it. It's a process. It's levels to this shit. 

Finally, the last thing I'll say about hologram shoes is that I would TRULY be eternally grateful if one of you talented, budding young shoemakers (shoesmiths?) out there would design a holographic shoe WITH A JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS PRINT. Apparently someone on Etsy attempted a decoupage footwear tribute to Jem, but I need me some legit meta Jem and the Holograms hologram shoes. It's almost 2014! ios 7 exists! We can DO this!

Can You Think Of A Reason Why I SHOULDN'T Get This Totally '80s Fruit-Embellished Lazy Oaf Shirt?

No? Right, yeah, me either.

$89, ShopKoshka.com

Ooh, Yay! Here's That Slutty Mesh Bodysuit I'd Been Searching Haplessly For

AND it's on sale! HUZZAH!!

When I Say Celine, I Generally Mean Celine Dion

Hi blog! Long time no blog! But I never went anywhere except to work and to my bed and then to a special quiet place to cry on the inside because it's all so much. But I missed you, us, everything we share. Like this Céline Dion shirt. I mean, come on. How can you not clap for that:

It's by Reason Clothing, and it's sold out, but maybe if you ask pretty please nicely they'll make s'more. Now, I highly encourage you to watch Celine Dion, greatest singer in the world, dance to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky." 

Beloved's Pepperoni Pizza Sweatshirt And Onesie Look Highly Appetizing

It's Beloved's pepperoni pizza sweatshirt, serving carbo-laden, cheese-lovers', meat-lovers', gluten-free realness, also in pizza onesie form. Fuck everything else.

Sweatshirt: $75, Shopjeen; Pizza onesie: $99, Belovedshirts.com

PlayLand Motel In Rockaway Beach: Why Not? Try It! You Might Like It!

Rockaway Beach got itself a brand-new boutique hotel -- it's already got a boutique taco stand and a boutique boutique, so clearly a boutique hotel wasn't far off. It's called PlayLand Motel, and from the few photos I've seen, it kind of looks like Sole East in the Hamptons or the Ace in Palm Springs, with a pizza joint, 12 small boutique rooms, two restaurants and a 7,000-square-foot indoor/outdoor bar. It looks very dried-palm-fronds/ faded-surf-photo, nautical-knots chic. In a pre-fab way designed to attract hipsters and people who swear they're not hipsters, of course but who even cares. Rockaway Beach needs your cash, and it's a $2.50 train ride/ extended Brooklyn staycay, so who wants to check it out? (There's a shuttle bus from Williamsburg, because OF COURSE.) 

The Meatpacking District doesn't need any more of your hard-earned dollar bills. Those two hours you spent standing in line trying to get into Roberta's could've been spent on the beach. Go support Rockaway. Until the cast of "Princesses Long Island" shows up, and we all need to just head down to Rehoboth or commit ritual group Seppuku instead.

PlayLand Motel: 9720 Rockaway Beach Blvd, Far Rockaway, New York 11693

Photo credit: Athena Calderone/ Refinery29

Dr Martens' Hincky Boots Are Basically Bringing A Smile To My Feet

Dr. Martens have kinda been on a total winning streak recently. Recently I made these pink leopard print Docs my bitch, and I'd say we're both better for it:

$130, Dr Martens

And just like you can't just get one tattoo, you can't really just have one pair of Docs...

$130, Dr Martens

Which is why I may have to make their Hincky smiley face boots my next Doc acquisition. How could these not bring a smile to your feet? I also like how he looks like he's drunk hiccuping, which makes them the perfect pair to wear when I'm hopping over puddles of barf and God-knows-what-yellow-bodily-fluid-that-was on the streets of New York! (COME VISIT!)

Isabel Marant Is Coming To H&M! CAN'T BREATHE! NEED OXYGEN MASK!

Hanukkah Harry obviously stole a sneak peek at my wish list, because right up there at the top, right beneath "Mark Ruffalo pants off dance off" and "real talking cat (FINALLY)" is "affordable Isabel Marant, PUHLEEZE!" Dreams: realized because Isabel Marant is teaming up with H&M to release a 250-piece collection for us broke-ass chicks who don't wanna look broke-down. Isabel Marant for H&M drops November 14, 2013, AKA Hanukkah.

 

If You're Gonna Spend A Honit On Jelly Shoes, Spend It On These Orange 4.5-Inch-Heeled BBs

I feel there was a time and a place in her career when Beyonce would've worn these hot pink and orange Vogue jellies. Specifically, 1999. Even more specifically, the "Say My Name" video. That time for her is over, but that time for me is basically now and forever.

$100, Vogue, Urbanoutfitters.com

I'm Currently Craving Degen's Pizza Sweater

Sure, Degen's adorable pizza sweater (via the excellent Solange & Friends feature in Brooklyn Magazine) is $288, but it's made in New York by knit wiz and fellow Ohioian Lindsay Degen, AND it's definitely carb-free. Also, speaking of carbs, maybe it comes with a side of breadsticks?

Get it in 30 minutes or less from Sword-Smith. Just kidding about the 30 minutes thing, but you can get free shipping with promo code "shipme."

You'd be smiling too if you had pizza on your sweater.

$288, Degen,Sword-smith.com

PS: HOLY SHIT check out these Degen platforms! They're SO good! I think I love them more than actual, tangible, edible pizza, and that's really saying a lot.

$319, Degen, Solestruck.com

Wildfox Has A Great Catsby Shirt, Fleece Cat Pants And REALLY Good Slouchy Sweaters. I Wouldn't Lie To You About Anything So Important

Wildfox's fall 2013 collection is inspired by a Great Gatsby pajama party, except hopefully no one dies in the pool. (Sorry -- SPOILER!) And what pajama party is complete with a cat? Or a six-eyed, two-nosed cat on MDMA? Also, if I could pick a pair of pants to be buried in, it'd obviously be those fleece cat-print loungey pants. It's ALL SO GOOD.  Does Baz Luhrmann know about this? Because he should. If I were him, I'd create a Great Gatbsy with an all-cat cast and the credits would say "Directed by Baz PURRman." GET IT?

Anyway, those slouchy Wildfox White Label sweaters? I can't even tell you the last time I was so excited by something with holes in it that wasn't a donut.

Oh yeah, there's a massive Wildfox denim line helmed by Michelle Siwy, but I'm so into the cat stuff that I can't even  fully focus on that right now.

Here, look at these photos I took while I pull myself together. Maybe splash water on my face or something.

So, I Bought A Banana Clip

Three of 'em, actually. You deal with it.

In addition to a banana clip, I'm wearing a floor-length coral pashmina robe my husband brought me back from Vietnam. Which is why I look like a '60s goddess. "Mad Men" shit right there. 

PS: My favorite thing about this, besides the fact that I'M NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THREE BANANA CLIPS, AND IT'S THE YEAR 2013 (encroaching soul-crushing summer humidity + unruly curly hair problem = SOLVED, by the way) is that I bought this online ON A MOVING AIRPLANE, and they were at my house by the time I got home. SkyMall can't beat that shit. That is how it should be, y'all. TECHNOLOGY, YOU NEVER DISAPPOINT ME!

Nicole Richie Dressed Like Karl Lagerfeld At The Met Gala

Slow clap for this unintentional homage, homie. I don't care. I love it.

Unkle Karl ich nicht amused.

+ More Met Gala photos from my friends at MTV Style.

Photo credits: Nicole Richie, Refinery 29; Uncle Karl, The Gloss