Shoes For You to Barf On

As wonderful as wonderful shoes are, I almost enjoy looking at bad shoes better. I went hunting for the ugliest out there so you can rest assured that no matter how lackluster your shoe wardrobe might be, at least you haven't hit rock bottom. Herewith, the worst of the worst. Roll video:



Dudes, did Jessica Simpson wear these recently? You know you can so see these pink abominations on her feet. Ugh.



For $34.99, you could have seven highly caloric grande Frappuccinos, three tickets to the upcoming Body Count (with Ice T, in case you were wondering) show at the Knitting Factory, a cruise around the isle of Manhattan, a scary mannequin head to decorate your apartment with (who would do that? me? no!), and yet as stupid as all of those things are, they are not as stupid as these horrible Baby Phat wedges.



Did you know that the lovely Heidi Klum has bewilderingly attached her name to the most prominent name in ugly shoes, Birkenstocks? Oh yes. There is a whole mess of ugly shoes "styled by" Heidi Klum, some with horrendous lyrics by her husband printed on them, such as the Wall of Kiss clogs, $228.95. Holy effin' fug, look at them all!



Wild Life Textile sneaker, $479.96. A bit much to spend on your four-year-old niece, even if they came in kids' sizes.



Green bejeweled horror, $287.96.



Jelly Birks, $228.95 plus the cost of your dignity.

Speaking of clogs (sorrrrta), I am going to go on the record here and state that they are never okay. These especially:



I just don't even know who is the kind of person that would wear these embroidered furry things. I know even less who is the kind of person who would wear them who would also spend $390 on them.



Ack! No! Do not combine sweaters and horrid shoe types! Definitely do not go and then add insult to injury with lame-o silver studs. Just leave well enough alone. Dr. Scholl's cable-knit clogs, $39.95.



This needs no explanation. Striped mitten boots, $49.95.



Another mind-bogglingly bad combination: beads and clogs. Offensive enough on their own, but put 'em together and bam! You're ready to go square dancing at the dumb-folks' home. Not worth $27, I promise you.



So I hate clogs. But if there's a type of shoe I hate more, a shoe that I believe even more fervently should never grace the feet of any self-respecting woman, it's the driving moccasin. With so many cute flats out there, why? BCBG Max Azria moccasin, $142.95. (Although, the more I look at them, the more I think they might be kinda cute with jeans. What's wrong with me??)



Those of you who think Marc Jacobs can do no wrong: think again! Hundred-dollar jellies. Right.



And again! Hot pink patent-leather pumps, $253.95 I better not see you blowing.



Yet again! Crazy fur-striped boots, $598.95. Someone get me my smelling salts.



Now, I'm all for color, the brighter the better. But for the love of rainbows and unicorns and leprechauns, not all at the same time! This seems like it belongs on a 15-year-old Tokyo girl, and on her it might work. On you, ugs. Adidas sneaker boot, $129.95.



'Member what I just said about color? Exhibit B! (For barf-worthy...) Rainbow sandal, $145.



These are like those unfortunate open-toed sporty sandals that men wear, except they're blue and white and for women. No excuse. Skechers sandals, $38.45.



I will end with one of my pet peeves, the basic black slide. I wore these things back in the late 90s too, when I thought I needed to wear business casual and I shopped at Express. I don't do those things anymore, and neither should anyone else! Please, ladies. It's not necessary. Steve Madden slides, $1.99 (for a reason!!).