Tuesday, June 12, 2007

On A Misson to Find Jeweled Flats, I Fall Flat

Did you like my Times-esque headline? ALWAYS start with a subordinate clause, children!

Anyway, today I saw a woman wearing the CUTEST pair of jeweled flats. They were camel-ish colored with a few big rhinestones in jewel tones. They were perfectly casual but not tacky looking. I immediately kicked the Googs into high gear searching for them, but I netted disappointed results, though I did discover some unbelievably bad horbsness too rich not to share.

First, here's the okay stuff.

($149, Juicy Couture, Smartbargains)
I barely came close to finding a beige/ camel color. These are cute but very Christmasy.

($295, Miu Miu, Bluefly)
Same story with these.

($473, Miu Miu, Net-a-porter)
Too tony.

($21, Steve Madden, eBay)
Cute, but still... no cigar. :/

($33, Wanted, Amazon)

($99, Cole Haan G-Series, Gothamcityonline.com)
I'm actually pretty surprised I like these. I generally do NOT like "sporty" comfort shoes. If I want sporty comfort, I'll wear my Sauconys, not a "dressy" version of sneakers. Usually that makes me want to hurl, but these are actually fairly cute. Like, I wouldn't buy them myself, but if someone gave them to me for free, I'd find a way to wear them, you know?

($489, Marc Jacobs, Net-a-porter.com)
I don't usually go googoo pants over Marc Jacobs shoes, but these are a dream in both white and in the black version.

($32, Wanted, Amazon)
Extremely cute, but I'm getting farther and farther away from the point: I can't find camel-colored jeweled flats!

Anyway, here's the utterly vulgar shit I found. It's almost all from Bluefly (for shame!)

($1,760, Crystalishious, Electricladyland.com)
Wow. Like Camp Beverly Hills without the... will to live???

($229, Dolce & Gabbana, Bluefly)
These look like some Sally Struthers "Feed The Children" shit. Maybe someone should donate their value to hungry children. It'd be money much better spent.

($99, Antoinette, Thelustweekend.com)
Please do not wear these unless you are actually, actively performing ballet.

($79, Kate Spade, Bluefly)
Note: these were actually listed in the WOMEN'S shoe section. Not the GIRLS'. Perhaps I should report an error??

($256, Jean-Michel Cazabat, Bluefly)
You're basically required by law to wear a Chanel jacket, too much blush and eight gallons of overpowering perfume with these shoes.

($39, French Sole, Bluefly)
Is this an example of the French playing a cruel joke on Americans? Like, "Vich of zem eez doom enoof to buy zees? SACRE BLEU!"

($302, Giuseppe Zanotti, Bluefly)
It's bad enough that a mink had to die to make these schizophrenic pieces of shit. It's even worse that the mink lives on aside purple velvet!


Anonymous said...

In case you didn't know, the tan Coffee Shop jacket is back in stock!!

Only in S though.

Anonymous said...

why would you want jeweled flats? they are ALWAYS tacky looking.

Tamron Lohan said...

these were an anomaly. a surprising exception to the rule.

Anonymous said...


ambika said...

The Cole Haans' are surprisingly cute. Tho the suede would be destroyed within weeks due to the Seattle weather.

Anonymous said...

Haha oh em gee, like I totes hart your blog. It's so totes un-morts I can barely stand it! So, like, I was gonna buy these one shoes, but they were totes too skater-y so I had to pass. Then I found some that I thought might have been, like, worthy of my impeccably high standards, but then I looked at the heel and they were like, oh my god, a WEDGE!! I know, totes horbs-ness right? They were so totes NOT the new black.

Tamron Lohan said...

you forgot "bunz!!!!"
and for someone filled with so much venom, you sure spent a lot of time on that comment! consider us flattered!

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