These C. Wonder Dachshund Loafers Look So Sad Not On My Feet

$138, C. Wonder

Really need for these to adopt these puppies for fall. Also, I SWEAR I'll walk them three times a day and feed them and clean up their poo! PLEASE, MOOOHHHHHMMMM!

You Really Really Need Hologram Shoes

Hey gurl. Your feet are boring. Fix 'em. Hologram shoes. It's real. It's levels to this shit. To paraphrase Adam Duritz, "When I look down at my holographic shoes, I want to see me staring right back at me." Wait. Maybe it's actually "When I look at the television, I want to see me staring right back at me," but potato/ potahto. Fact remains: hologram shoes, some black tights and a black mini and chunky sweater or denim jacket over a vintage t-shirt hold SO much appeal to me this fall.

$218, Miista, Nastygal.com

Because I'm telling myself sandals are okay for fall. This is my idea of growing more accepting as I get older.

$59, Urban Outfitters

Brogue lyf, son.

$180, To Be Announced, Urban Outfitters

Inky, oily everything, please.

$98, vintage Stuart Weitzman, FeelingVaguelyVintage.etsy.com

These holographic snake print Stuart Weitzman chunky sneakers ACTUALLY HAPPENED! They happened in the '90s, and there's nothing you can do short of inventing and piloting a time machine to change it. Just accept it and consider maybe even embracing and then buying it. It's a process. It's levels to this shit. 

Finally, the last thing I'll say about hologram shoes is that I would TRULY be eternally grateful if one of you talented, budding young shoemakers (shoesmiths?) out there would design a holographic shoe WITH A JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS PRINT. Apparently someone on Etsy attempted a decoupage footwear tribute to Jem, but I need me some legit meta Jem and the Holograms hologram shoes. It's almost 2014! ios 7 exists! We can DO this!

These F-Troupe Parrot Print Wedges Are My Singular Focus

Approximately $194 USD, F-Troupe

Seriously, not another word from you unless it's about these F-Troupe parrot print wedges, and that's absolutely final. I can't commit my brain to anything other than these shoes, which are sold out on Solestruck -- DAMN IT -- but the UK F-Troupe site has them, and they ship to the U.S. for a nominal fee. And really, how can you even put a price on the sheer unadulterated bliss that would be owning parrot shoes, you know? Also, use promo code MAYDAY for 20% off through May 7. Caw!! Wait, that's a crow. A parrot would just repeat everything I just said, and honestly, I think these parrot shoes are so good that it bears repeating.

Adidas x Opening Ceremony Rod Laver Striped Hi Top Sneakers: Gone, But Not Forgotten

+ UPDATE: Urban Outfitters has the Adidas x Opening Ceremony Rod Laver sneakers in WOMEN'S sizes! 10% off with promo code "WACKSLACKS." DONE! Thank you, Based God! +

$175, Opening Ceremony x Adidas Rod Laver Hi tops, Urban Outfitters

When will I learn that spending two months deliberating in a most Woody Allen of fashions whether or not to buy a limited edition pair of sneakers will almost always result in a frantic demon drop down the rabbit hole/ Baby Jessica well of the deepest depths of online destinations and shoe store phone calls, only to discover there's no light at the end of the tunnel, and the the Adidas x Opening Ceremony Ron Laver striped hi tops are sold out. I have the opposite of FOMO. I have ToMO -- Totally Missed out. If you or someone you love know where to find a men's size 6, hollar at a Jew. By the way, the girl at Opening Ceremony was a total doll and called both New York stores to see if there were any in stock. The girl at the Adidas Originals store, was, sadly a besnatch. 

If you need me, I'll be consoling myself with my $2.99 CVS avocado deep conditioning treatment. 

I'll Eat You Next, Leopard Print Doc Martens

$130, Dr Marten

Nothing says springtime is time for new combat boots more loudly and proudly than these pink and yellow leopard-print Dr Martens. Anyone else getting high off the Steven Sprouse x Louis Vuitton fumes? Anyone else wanna wear these with a chambray shirt and boyfriend jeans all season long ?Anyone else whipping out their JetBlue Amex at warp speed?

Rachel Antonoff For Bass Is Pretty Much The Only Thing Getting Me Out Of Bed At This Juncture

$129, Rachel Antonoff x Bass, Zappos.com

Hear that? That's the sound of emoji handclaps for Rachel Antonoff's (such a Rachel Antonoff Stan -- she's like the more Jewish Margot Tenenbaum) Bass clear Marbird Oxfords. The perfect way to do to subtle-quirk without turning up all like "I'm still really into 'Lolita,' you GUUIIIIIIISE" and desperately trying to convey the fact that you really firmly believe anything recorded after "Live Through This" is garbage and have people be like "we GET it, now be QUIET." 

$159, Rachel Antonoff x Bass

Come To Mama, L'il Eyelash Flats & Senso Glitter Booties

You know those Saturday mornings when you wake up and you've bought two pairs of shoes before you even have a cup of coffee or put on your bra? Here's the result of my Saturday morning ModCloth shoe binge:

$39, Lorena Vasquez, Modcloth.com

Because of course I needed a pair of white loafers with eyelashes on them. You understand. They're by Lorena Vasquez, and they're sold out on ModCloth, but you can order them directly from her site.

And, common sense would dictate that you need a pair of glitter Senso motorcycle booties to keep your eyelash flats company, so that's happening.

I'm Featured On Shoptiques, And I'll Probably Buy These Cheetah Ballet Flats To Celebrate!

$298, Dee Keller, Julep via Shoptiques

Aloha, passive consumers of this shopping blog! The nice folks at Shoptiques, which is a very cool online storefront for compulsively shoppable boutiques throughout the world, asked me to write about style and show you some of my favorite picks from their selection of boutiques like Cancan in Paris, Urban Alchemist in Brooklyn, and Annabelle in the Lower East Side.

Check out my Shoptiques feature, and to celebrate, someone should truly buy me these Dee Keller cheetah ballet flats from Julep in Houston. I've never been Julep or even Houston, but now I can visit from the anonymous comfort of computer and the literal comfort of my PJ pants. Also, buy "someone should buy me these cheetah flats," what I mean is "I will buy me these cheetah flats." Cheers!

Partner Post: Macy's Boot Selection Is My Gift To You

By my watch, which I make a point of painstakingly syncing up with the Farmer's Almanac (okay, that's not true, but it'd be funny if it were!), we've only got a few more months to stay in boots. And while the holidays are technically over, the joys of shoe shopping are a 365-day affair, particularly at Macy's, where their selection of women's shoes is the gift that keeps on giving. ICYMI, the Herald Square flagship Macy's is undergoing a $400 million (that's like five Taylor Swifts!) renovation, and their shoe selection is more Homeric than ever. But in case you can't make the Odyssey to Herald Square, check out some of my favorite picks -- from studded-up Frye boots to buckled-up, menswear-inspired L.A.M.B. boots (good enough for Gwen, good enough for you, I say!), to lace-up Dolce Vita boots -- from Macy's boot selection.

$389.99, L.A.M.B. Macys.com

Leave it to Gwen Stefani to flip the script on the classic Chelsea boot style, adding a perforated vamp and not one, not two but five belt buckles.

$59, Dirty Laundry, Macys.com

I was totally meaning to buy a pair of old-school almond-toed (is that a thing? It is now, I guess) low-heeled boots, but then I got distracted, probably thinking about cats. But the neon laces in these Dirty Laundry boots, and the $59 price tag, are the only thing separating me from "thinking about buying" to "definitely buying."

$192.50, Boutique 9, Macys.com

Dream kitschy boots right here. Kinda like how you try and pretend you don't heart Flo Rida but you secretly do, just admit that you're into these bejeweled suede platform boots and enjoy them out in the open.

These Unicorn Glitter Platform Stilettos Are The Best Unicorn Platform Stilettos I've Ever Seen, Personally

$59.99, Iron Fist, Modcloth.com

I've been sitting here trying to think of one compelling reason not to buy these Iron Fist unicorn-print platform glitter stilettos, but so far any viable reason not to own these has escaped me. How's that holiday song go? Oh yeah: "May your days be merry and bright, and may all your heels have a digital photo print of a unicorn and diamonds on them!" 

At Last! My Studded Converse HAVE ARRIVED!

After YEARS of sweating Bess' studded Converse -- but feeling the obvious and understandable resistance to shelling out like three bills for them -- I tracked down an amazing Etsy seller who did 'em for less than half. Check out CustomStudded on Etsy -- Jennifer is a DOLL, and she'll design your studded shoes according to the stud of your choosing: You pick the stud color/ style and the shoes. I happened to send her a brand-new pair of Converse. Oh, and it was a super-quick turnaround, too. Like, two days!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to sleep in these bbs.

Let's Talk About Jeffrey Campbell's Lucite Litas, Shall We?

$169, Jeffrey Campbell, Solestruck

I've always thought of Jeffrey Campbell Litas kinda like fennel -- not my taste, but I'm glad you're into them. It's not that I dislike them. I'm 5'1" and DESPERATELY need the extra inches. But as a total grandmaw, I have enough back problems to deal with, and I don't need a shoe malfunction to exacerbate them. But, I've tacitly accepted them since the silhouette can be sick if you can actually twerk out your walk in them and not end up clip-clopping all over the place like a baby horse in drag. But now that they poured Lucite down the Lita mold to cobble together their new patent leather Grad variation, I'm kinda rethinking my not-for-me Lita stance. Because they've effectively made them EVEN tackier -- a total selling point, IMO -- because I DO LOVE a plastic heel. Must be the secret stripper in me. The game? She has been changed.  

Very vampy, très Twilight.

When the "pep" in your step is Pepto Bismol.

Rachel Roy's Suede Glitter Booties Are A Sickness

$475, Rachel Roy, NeimanMarcus.com

Is there a doctor in the house? Rachel Roy's forest green suede bootie with GLITTER heel almost deaded me. I need a doctor. Call me a doctor. HELP ME, Dre! Save, me, Shady!

Get More: Dr. Dre, I Need A Doctor, Music, More Music Videos

LOFT Is Literally Making The Holiday Season Bright. Get Familiar.

LOFT is getting ready to ring in the holidays, and they're not doing it with Santa sweaters and fugly forest greens. No. Try CORAL AND GOLD BROCADE PANTS. Think Beverly Hills Regency (if my mental wellbeing had a preferred design era, it'd be Beverly Hills Regency). Also, try BLACK SEQUIN SLOUCHY PANTS (they look WAY better in person), rich melons, and '60s-inspired rhinestone costume jewelry that'll turn an atheist into a God-fearing believer, to quote Wyclef Jean. Check out these photos I took at the Loft Holiday 2012 preview, and happy Chanukkah to ME!

Jeffrey Campbell Colt-Man Creepers = Birthday Shoes!

Jeffrey Campbell's Colt Man creepers just so happen to be my ideal birthday shoes.

$168, Jeffrey Campbell, Idontlikemondays.us

Price: $168
Birthday: August 7.
Size: 8.
Known.

Alloy Has The CUTEST Bags. I'm Being Completely Serious Here

You guys. I am being completely honest and open, and I'm like, baring a very vulnerable part of my soul here when I tell you that Alloy has some REALLY cute bags (like this studded orange bag). Yes, THAT Alloy. The one for 12-year-olds. I'm practically old enough to HAVE MY OWN 12-YEAR-OLD (okay, not really, but also kind of really), but that didn't stop me from purchasing this nautical striped bag:

$39.90, Alloy.com

I Pledge Allegiance To Anthropologie's Shoe Selection

Stand up and salute Anthropologie's current shoe selection. I mean, please. Really.

$430, Chie Mahara, Anthropologie.com

These Chie Mahara bolted peep-toe booties are the Aladdin Sane of peep-toe booties and will obsessively consume my thoughts like p0rn0graphy. Not that I obsess over p0rn. I really don't. Just shoes. But no judgements if you're into p0rn. You do you. You've got flesh, I've got footwear.

$378, Judari, Anthropologie.com

Am I aware that these Judari floral wedge sneakers a more of a clusterfuck than Times Square? Well, yeah, but I like a farrago where personal style is concerned. The busier the better.

$438, Bettye Muller, Anthropologie.com

These are just BEGGING to be worn with a red silk blouse and black skinny jeans. Mama, I'm comin' home!

$158, Farylrobin, Anthropologie.com

These mint floral jute flatforms (AHHH! AGAIN! SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE!) are SO Alice In Wonderland goes to a suburban rave in 1994. So, in other words, they're everything I need in a shoe.

Cleo B's Cassette Tape Heels? WERQUE!

$574, Cleo B, Ruianyc.com

New rule. No more ordinary heels. From now on, I'm ONLY WALKING ON A GOLDEN CASSETTE TAPES by British shoe designer Cleo B. Bonus points if they play my favorite '80s song, "Let The Music Play," by Shannon. TWERQUE. IT. OUT.

RuPaul GIFs via Logo

Yeardley Smith, The Voice Of Lisa Simpson Has A Really Cute Shoe Collection Called Marchez Vous

Weird, right? But I've heard weirder (as a Jew who went to college in the mountains of Virginia, TUHRUST me, I've heard and seen weirder). 

So, Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson, has her own collection of shoes called Marchez Vous. I recently checked out the collection at a private preview where I met Yeardley, and you guys, she's your long-lost BFF (who also... happens to be one of the most recognizable voices on the Earth's surface). This woman is an absolute fucking firecracker, and is obviously living her best life because she took her love of shoes and turned it into a job, and keeps a coterie of EXTREMELY good-looking men at her ready at all times. (One's her trainer, and this dude in the photo is like... a Clark Kent-ish sort who she chills with because he's really attractive and because she can. Because she's smart.) Oh, and she loves cats. Great, right? Again, trust me when I tell you that Yeardley is uproariously funny, and I want to go on a wine-tasting trip with her and do karaoke with her, and talk about shoes and dudes and cats. Also, her entire lifestyle (hat tip to Beauty Blogging Junkie, from whom I co-opted the gratuitous use of the term "lifestyle") merits a reality show. Andy Cohen, if you're watching, I would watch this woman every week, so please get on that kthx.

Aldo's Bakker Fringe Platform Sneakers Are My Best Shoe Purchase Of Q2 (Plus: Sponsored Video)

(Note: This blog contains a sponsored video! Click it, or don't! I'm low-pressure over here!)

I hate to play favorites when it comes to shoes -- I love all of my children equally. But, really, every parent has a secret favorite, and Aldo's Bakker wedge platform sneakers are my own little golden child. Don't tell your sister though, okay? (This is SO "Prince Of Tides" dysfunctional! Also, any time I can make a "Prince Of Tides" reference when writing about fashion deserves a hair flip, don't you think?)

I know it's basically summer, but I recently bought these in brown, and I've worn the ish out of them. And they kinda feel like Isabael Marant wedge sneakers, but they're essentially what you'd pay in tax on a pair of those bad boys. And black boots are a year-round staple. (But then again, I don't wear flip-flops, and I generally consider shorts a crime against nature, so what do I know about seasonal dressing?)

($60, Aldo)

Furthermore, you have to admit that Aldo's Spring/Summer 2012 campaign, shot by Terry Richardson, featuring Anais Pouloit, is cheerfully "Teenage Dream"/ Betty & Veronica kitschy-cute with the heart sunglasses and the Popsicle. Matchy-matchy lipstick and Popsicles totally work, IMO. And, if you can pull off an all-white bathing suit, then God bless.