Couture Trash

Recently I was looking through Net-a-Porter.com. Is there some rule that everything on that site needs to be either amazing or fucking terrible?

These three are amazingly terrible:

($2765, Fendi, Net-a-porter.com)

For a hot second, I almost felt like this COULD be beautiful, but then I pulled the paper bag filled with model airplane glue away from my face and realized that this is actually a well-tailored garbage bag! Too many sequins hurt eyes!

($675, David Szeto, Net-a-Porter.com)

Man. Where to even begin? This looks like a cheap valance you'd buy at an innercity dollar store. It also looks like one of those towel wraps that fasten at the top with Velcro, which is ALWAYS classy. It also looks like how a fancy party dress looks when you wake up the morning after the fancy party and lean out of bed and spot the dress balled up on the floor in a heap of stained, declining value. Whatever this shit is, it looks like you'd buy it at Bed Bath & Beyond, not in the same place you can buy Proenza Schouler.

($2358, Alexander McQueen, Net-a-Porter.com)

It's two awful dresses in one schizophrenic nightmare! Lilac crepe for when you wanna look like demure Lady Di circa 1984, and shitty black lace when you wanna look like Britney Spears at the 2001 VMAs. (Ah... the pre-Federline glory days!)

Bye, y'all!