Somebody Really Needs To Buy This Eddie Eddie By Billy Tommy Lil Kim Sweatshirt From American Two Shot

Whomsoever buys this sickeningly tight Eddie Eddie by Billy Tommy "hardcore Lil Kim" sweatshirt, which leans Coogi and is currently living at American Two Shot in Soho and can be yours for the $150 I do not have? (If only I hadn't spent my sweatshirt budget on this Everyman Shade shirt!) You're the baddest bitch. Wear it in good health! Also, I'd love to borrow it to over my most ratchet tankini singlet thingie. (And I'd wash it afterwards, obviously.)

Even got some of these females jealous. Bow down, bitches.

Immortalize Sophia Loren's Serious Shade-Throwing Across Jayne Mansfield's Chest And Yours In Everyman's Sweatshirt

Important moments in shade-throwing history.

In 1957, Jayne Mansfield and her egregious rack showed up unannounced and, in the words of Alanis Morissette, uninvited to a dinner at Romanoff's in Hollywood in honor of Sophia Loren in a blatant attempt to steal attention away from Sophia. (Great way to say "welcome to America!")

It would not be the last time Jayne pulled such a move -- she'd go on to orchestrate several highly public chest-barings and nipple-related "wardrobe malfunctions," prompting one writer to put her basic shit on blast by expertly summarizing why the public was tired of her fuckery: "We are amused when Miss Mansfield strains to pull in her stomach to fill out her bikini better; but we get angry when career-seeking women, shady ladies, and certain starlets and actresses...use every opportunity to display their anatomy unasked." BURN NOTICE.

Back to the notorious dinner party-crashing: How did Sophia Loren respond? By throwing serious blackout-level side-eye shade directly at Jayne and her twin offenders. Understandable.

It was a classic moment in 20th-century shade-throwing history. And a seminal shade moment of this sort clearly merits its own sweatshirt, such as the Everyman Shade sweatshirt I just bought. It's making its way to my home right now, and I'm sure I'll enjoy years of throwing epic shade of my own while enjoying its comfort.

$75, Everyman

Rachel Antonoff, How Soon Will My Birdie Forever Shirt Get Here?

$75, Rachel Antonoff, RevolveClothing.com

This Rachel Antonoff Birdie Forever sweatshirt is just one of the many ways I drove myself off my own little financial cliff last month during an online shopping blitz earnestly intended to be a "totally shopping for holiday gifts" thing, which just totally veered off into selfish "three for me, one for you" situation. Anyway, it was backordered and it's due any day. Hurry up, little Birdie!