Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Amazon = America Has Awful Taste, Generally Speaking

I honestly didn't think that I was fashion snob. As much as I enjoy the art, sport and science of shopping, I mainly love the thrill of a good bargain hunt. I'm the first to blurt out that my I got my awesome Marc Jacobs denim skirt for just $45 at Loehman's (so good it hurts!); I found an amazing Laundry skirt at shitty discount home goods store on 145th Street, and I've owned more pre-worn clothing than your average Goodwill. I always just thought I a.) enjoy spending, b.) have a decent eye for style and c.) have very specific yet far-reaching tastes. God knows I don't have enough money to be a fashion snob, though if I ever awoke in the middle of the night to find that a million-dollar tree had sprouted up through my floor boards, perhaps I'd find the time to take up fashion snobbery as a fun pastime. But... perhaps I should rethink my halo effected-declaration, because I almost started to weep when I saw what ranked amongst the top 100 best-selling items in Amazon's apparel category. The rankings refresh about once an hour. Here are just a few examples I found over about two hours:

($11, Tommy Hilfiger, Amazon)
Number 82, people. I guess it's a half step up from those deplorable Tommy flag logo shirts. Actually, more like a quarter step.

($6, Soffe, Amazon)
#83. They're referred to as cheerleading shorts. Uhh... It's hard for me to distinguish which is worse: these shorts, or cheerleading.

($34, Amazon)
What's worse than asymmetrical chiffon ruffles? Cheerleading maybe? Maybe. That's number fucking FORTY-SIX, by the way.

($39, Aimee, Amazon)
This is a nursing gown. A bra-less nursing gown. Now, peeps, I've never nursed, yet I understand the freedom of free-ballin. But still. Having a kid is NO excuse for wearing such an ugly piece of drek. It might as well come with stains down the front, just to save you the time.

($15, Amazon)
Crotchless panties, people. CROTCHLESS. To go with your bra-less gown, I guess? What the FUCK is going on here??? Seriously?

And you gotta love this reviewer's wise words:
I have never, ever before had on a pair of crotchless panties and I have to say that I liked it. Mostly I don't wear panties, unless I'm wearing a dress or a skirt and sometimes even then I don't. I just like the freedom. But these, these are cute as can be and it's like you don't have anything on at all. At least that's's (sic) the way it feels. And they are darn beautiful. Darn beautiful. The discovery of these panties have really made this lingerie party for me.

A lingerie party???? Really? Is that really what you mean? Or do you really just mean a fucking TRASH FEST? Yeah. I think that's what you actually meant. You and the 18 bazillion other renobs who bought enough of these travesties to make them the 68th most popular article of clothing on Amazon.

($17, Amazon)
Congratulations. This is the 100th worst piece of crap EVERYONE bought on Amazon. And $17 isn't much to pay to advertise your simple mindedness!

($12, Rick Steves, Amazon)
I pass through Times Square every day. I believe this one.

By the way. The list also consists of seven DIFFERENT pairs of Crocs, two pairs of men's pleated chinos, and more than one pair of "relaxed fit" jeans. Even the one designer item was this piece of dogshit by Prada:

($99, Prada, Amazon)

I will say there was some cute baby stuff. At least we're dressing future generations better than ourselves.

Please, someone tell me that there's some psychosocial study out there that proves that the incidence of bad style choices skyrocket when a Republican is in office.

Okay. I'm off to go be depressed and to make peace with the fact that if being a fashion snob is wrong, I don't wanna be right. At this point I think my thoughts would best be expressed by two videos by David Bowie and Rufus Wainwright, that best sum up my fear of and disappointment in my own people:

PS: I'm afraid to check Amazon at work for a while, since my "personalized recommendations" now consist of stuff like "string of bubble panties" and the "Speedo 'Grab Bag Jammer'." Great.


Anonymous said...

If I may paraphrase Miranda Priestly from "The Devil wears Prada", these clothes are for those people trying to tell the world that they take themselves too seriously to care about what they put on their back. I would argue that they're just too lazy to give a few minutes thought into what they're going to wear in the morning. Maybe you are a fashion snob. So what? People devote rediculous amounts of time and money to all sorts of stupid hobbies. Would you rather be a fly fishing snob?

The crotchless panty review immediately made me think of Paris Hilton. Who knew she shopped on Amazon?

Anonymous said...

I usually enjoy your blog; however, this specific post showed a hint of narrow-mindedness. It's true that everyone has their own (sometimes dubious) personal style, but I don't think anyone should stoop so low as to call things trashy just because they're something different that you're not used to seeing. And the several cheerleading comments? Umm...okay. Was there a specific cheerleader in your past that criticized your fashion sense, or do you just hate the entire "cheerleading population" in general? I was a little confused while reading those comments...
Also, have you ever had a kid whom you nursed? The farthest thing from a mother's mind when she's trying to care for a child who's completely dependent on her is her outfit. "Having a kid is NO excuse?" All right. Far be it for me to classify your opinions as wrong, but perhaps you should have some actual experience on the things you choose to classify as trashy or "a travesty." And then report back to us. Mkay?

Mary-Kate Hopkinson said...

Wait up there, anonymom. The only thing Tamron classified as trashy was the crotchless panties, I believe. A pretty much objectively trashy item. Or is there a baby-related excuse for those too? Just curious.

Tamron Lohan said...

1.) Take a deep breath.
2.) Unwrap phone cord from around your neck.
3.) NOW.
4.) Repeat to yourself: "It's just a blog. It's just a blog. It's just for fun. Just a blog. Just for fun."
5.) Repeat step 4 until Klonopin kicks in.

pixie said...

Maybe it was the curse speaking for Tam that day? Don't know why she cursed the cute red dress and called the undies trashy. My guy loves me in asymmetrical dresses (rah rah rah siss boom bah!) and has never once called me trashy for jumping into bed crotchless... of course, he has good manners and rarely talks with his mouth full.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...