Coogi Uggs Exist, Which Probably Means The Mayan Calendar Is Real

Usually I don't go in for all this Mayan calendar stuff (although after seeing last night's "Homeland" finale -- HOLY FUCKING SHIT, by the way -- Showtime should send its subscribers packages of diapers because I was SHUH-HITTING my pants), but I saw a girl wearing Coogi Uggs on the train the other day, and I'm convinced the world is coming to an end. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives.

This Latex Pig Mask Will Haunt You For The Rest Of Your Days

I wasn't kidding. Amazon has some truly horrifying things. And you don't even have to look very hard.

The Most Terrifying Skirt Ever Created

Today I learned that my nightmares are made of tweed and cost $2100.

($2100, Brian Lichtenberg Gizmo skirt, Alexandchloe.com)

Also, if you're interested in haute horror, please be advised that this skirt only comes in a 4-6. Sorry, ladies!

Hideous/Awesome Bag Alert

After, what, five years of friendhood, it's safe to say I know my co-blogger. Consider the following text exchange.

MK: This hideous bag is at h&m. thought u might like

TL: Yeah get it for me! Wee

Ladies and gents, the bag in question.



Just thought I'd share.

L.A.M.B. Tweed Harem Pants = Oof.

Surely tweed button-up harem pants would look amazing on Gwen Stefani... And that's it.

($275, L.A.M.B., Shopbop)

Love Gwen, love L.A.M.B., but tweed and harem pants are a classic example of "never the two shall meet." And also "just because you can doesn't mean you should."

I think Ruscha said it best when he said ...

Word.

Sublimated Style-Shit Need To Stop NOW!

There are many things I truly don't understand: The appeal of Jon Gosselin. Fiber optics. How the Bushes spent FIVE total terms in the White House. Grape leaves.

But one thing I TRULY don't understand, and this has been PLAGUING me, are sublimated shirts.
You know what sublimated shirts are. You may not know you know, but you know. They're those fucking TERRIBLE fake tie-dye/tattoo prints with that fake-creased look. Those shirts that have burned indelible track marks across America, multiplying like feral rabbits (where there is one, four more are sure to follow). Sometimes they're Ed Hardy-ish (I blame him for these AND EVERYTHING evil). Sometimes they're peasant-style. But they're ALWAYS horrible. Yes. Those.

Wait...

Still don't know what I mean?

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

FDSKAJFKLSDAJGKL;SDAJFKL;SDAJFKL;ASDFJKL;SDGJKL;ASDFJKL;ASDJ!@!KFDJS;ALFDJSAL;!1

That one on the bottom right even has a cat hiding beneath its sinister faux folds. I feel bad for that cat.

Why. WHY? Do shoppers, consuming under the umbrella of both a free market and free fucking WILL choose to a.) buy and b.) WEAR these God-awful schmattes. Please? SOMEONE. Tell me.

Okay. If you, in a drunken haze, or on a dare, bought one of these, I want to hear from you. You can email me what I can only imagine will be a tale of embarrassed regret. I will post it anonymously to help me and the countless befuddled others out there who want to know why these exist, who buys them, and when this pox will end.

It Happened At Topshop!

SHARK ATTACK AT TOPSHOP! Not a real shark, of course, but I was all "OMFG! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE when I saw what could only charitably be referred to as a "schmatte," to use the Yiddish colloquialism. This hyperbolically long graffiti-print maxi dress basically looks like someone stitched a bath sheet together and called it a dress.

It's actually from Topshop's Unique Spring 2010 collection, and while the maxi dress is batshit, I am kinda sad I missed the boat on this nesh shark wrap dress. Oh well. You snooze you lose.

American Apparel Basically Stole Naked Porn Towels From Me!

Um, clearly Dov Charney and the kindly fellas over at the succinctly named Butt Magazine have been reading FashionBinge, because they CLEARLY stole my porn towel idea!

Okay, it wasn't my idea, but I do get credit for scouting these amazing towels, featuring a Unabomber/ Michael Jackson Goes To The White House dude in Aviators and half-unbuttoned cut-off jeans shorts! The difference? Mine were like $3 at Conway. Sure, they turned into a matted bunch of cottony pills when I washed them, but still! It was $3 well spent!

My Conway towels: $3

American Apparel's Butt Mag towels: $45!

Payless Is Just Kidding About These, Right?

I have nothing at all against Payless. Not one thing. They do some great stuff at obviously affordable prices. And I loved their Christian Siriano line as well as Abaete. You need that ONE pair of shoes to match that ONE dress you'll wear to someone's rehearsal dinner and then never wear again? BOOM. Payless. But everyone slips up and makes a mistake once in a while, right? Like, surely these hein-dog silver "hooded" wedges are just a mean joke. A prank, right?

($24.99, Fioni, Payless.com)

Remember, kids. Everyone makes mistakes!

AVERT YOUR EYES: Versace Block Color Python Bag

I believe it was either Pete Seeger or King Solomon in the epic romantic thriller, Ecclesiastes, who said "there is a time to color block and a time to refrain from blocking color." Clearly Versace did not heed that advice. I present to you... this nasty shit:

Look, I LOVE "a lot," but this is just way too much of a lot. Get it at Net-a-porter.com. If you are a crazy person. (Via Purseblog.com)

The Grossest Pitch I've Ever Received. Period.

And here we have an ACTUAL pitch I ACTUALLY received. The product? "PERIOD UNDIES." I know that PR isn't easy and that not every client's product sells itself. But this is just beyond the beyond. I've redacted the name of the sender and PR agency out of the kindness of my heart. I'm sorry though. The rest I HAD TO SHARE, verbatim. And they sent it in jpeg format. I just couldn't resist.

The worst part of the whole thing? The proper name of these undies is actually PERIOD UNDIES. I can't.

Now don't think for a second that I think it's funny that the owner of Period Undies underwent a personal tragedy and is donating a portion of all sales to Pediatric Brain Tumor Research. That's not funny. And it's great that she's donating to an important cause. But WHO WANTS TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH PERIOD UNDIES????!?!!? Oh, and ready for the ultimate irony? THEY COME IN WHITE. Huh? Aren't period undies NEVER EVER, NOT EVER WHITE by DEFINITION?

And consider these two caveats, from the Periodundies.com website:

When staining occurs, hand wash as soon as possible to prevent permanent stains.

And...

All sales final on opened merchandise.

Well I'd hope so.

Oh, and PS -- You can become a fan of "Period Undies" on Facebook. Think about it...

Um, Seriously? What Happened Here?

($585, Maurizio Pecoraro, Luisaviaroma.com)

WTF is this macrame cage bag thingie?? It looks like a lab dissection gone wrong meets an arts and crafts project gone wronger. And is that an abstract vagina down the middle there?

PUT YOUR PANTS ON!

($630, Smythe, Shopsheboutique.com)

Granted, this blazer IS pretty gorgeous in a Lilly Pulitzer/guilty pleasure way, BUT, WHY is this chick not wearing pants? Like, oh great! You REMEMBERED the do rag AND the lame pose, but you FORGOT TO PUT ON PANTS. You should only be not wearing pants if you're about to get into bed with me OR you're trying to sell me underwear (I've never been in the situation where someone was trying to get into bed with me AND sell me underwear... but I'm open-minded).

ALSO, why is this like the SHITTIEST PHOTO EVER? It's the crappiest, shittiest resolution in the universe. If I'm gonna drop $630 on a blazer, the least you could give me is zoom capability.

Wait, is that Sienna Miller? Yeah? Oh wait, then it all makes sense.

Rainbow Fringe Leggings = WOOF

($150, Kapow! Wow! Farfetch.com)

Yes, these are rainbow fringed leggings. Calf-length, to make matters worse. They're by Kapow! Wow!? Which, at this point is more like Ka-pohhhhno. Woof.

Uniqlo: You Take The Good With The Bad

So, here's me, and you can tell by my face the kind of reaction I'm having to discovering plush, candy-colored tiny backpacks at Uniqlo. Ack. Unsurprisingly, they were priced to move. Also unsurprisingly, they didn't seem to be moving. The orange one looks like that orange Weight Watchers "Hungry" guy (who I'm positive a descendant of the Domino's Noid.)


I will hand it to Uniqlo -- their HeatTech three-quarter sleeve scoop-neck shirts are fantastic. They're made of like, some thoroughly thought-out heat-preserving material, milk and protein I think, and astronauts or something. Anyway, the shirts are under $15.50, come in a variety of sizes and colors, and, best of all, they're super softy and silky, and when you wash them, they don't get all gross and shapeless. I'm a huge fan of the long-sleeved black tops -- I bought a few in black (again -- they're $15.50 -- can't beat that price), and have held up like champs. Plus, models like 'em.

Hobo Shoes! Now Just $2115

Got $2115? These hobo-looking shoes look like they walked out of a cliched hobo cartoon. Is this some kind of reverse classism? Busted-looking hobo shoes that 15,000 hobos and a rich dude couldn't even afford? Gross. And they don't even come with a stick and a bandana? Really, Seth?

($2115, Augusta, Luisaviaroma.com)

Oh, and they're not available until March. Perhaps because they're busy perfecting them. If you can't wait that long, check out these hobo shoes!

They're a cool $8.99.

H&M Destroys, Dumps, Doesn't Donate Clothes That Don't Sell

And a happy new year to you too! A particularly vile story from The New York Times: The 34th Street Herald Square H&M has been intentionally destroying and dumping clothes that don't sell -- destroying perfectly good winter coats, jackets, and more warm stuff, so that the clothing can't be worn. Instead of donating the clothing to the countless New Yorkers (or people worldwide) who are freezing. The irony -- directly below that H&M is a train station where COLD HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE LIVING. Why? Because unfortunately it's not hard to find homeless people in New York. HOW is H&M not donating these warm winter items?

The story is currently trending on Twitter, so hopefully that instant spreading of information, as well as the gravity of the initial Times story will be a wake-up call for H&M and encourage them to take some kind of retroactive responsibility -- donating a substantial amount of money and clothing to a local and/or national homeless organization or outreach center like New York Cares.

Issa? Why? No Really. Why?

($341, Issa, Forward-Forward.com)

Because a nautical flag is not a dress.

Is Chickdowntown Out Of Business?

My sources (uh... the Internet) point to YES.

According to a story posted on Pittsburghlive.com today, Chickdowntown.com was living on a $973,000 line of borrowed credit. Yikes. Chickdowntown.com's site is down, and the phone at the brick-and-mortar Pittsburgh store had been temporarily disconnected. Chickdowntown advertised in Harper's Bazaar and Vogue and had TV spots, which, you know, costs money.

Oddly the Chickdowntown Blog is still up and features some transparent posts (part of me feels bad reading it -- another indie boutique succumbs to the economy, but the other part of me is like HOW do you end up almost 1 million bucks over your head!!?!? Plus, the store's customer service record has been TERRIBLE.) Anyway, Founder Amy Reed jetted off to TWTRCON in DC this past October to represent "Real Time Brand," and though I don't know what's up with Chickdowntown as a brad, it very much sounds like Chickdowntown.com the site and e-commerce offerings went the way of Phi.

Woah. I Found The Ugliest Thing Ever On The Internet

Is it a backpack? Lady Gaga's metal and PVC placenta? Where's the head? I don't know. Not even that tag hanging off the bottom of it can identify it!

($1325, DSquared, Luisaviaroma.com)