Thursday, August 02, 2007

Fugs Footwear

Yay! I'm back! Let's get right back to Bingeness!

The jazz shoe trend is basically awful. I don't know if it's worse for men or women -- probably women since we have such a wider array of footwear choices -- is there really any excuse for CHOOSING to wear these? I mean, perhaps if I got in my time machine and sucked myself back to 1986, Rita Wilhelm's school of dance in suburban Cleveland, where I was mastering pivots and jazz hands and shit to the electro wop wops of Midnight Star (true story), perhaps THEN there would be a valid excuse. But it's not 1986 anymore (unfortunately), and therefore there is NO excuse.

Our prescient pals to the east, Shoewawa, over in UKtown, called y'all out on your shit back in January, pulling over these little printed horrors for a footwear felony in the first degree!

Objection sustained! These are a CRIME!

Then... called out these metallic mortses in April.
A thousand nos! These Chausser shoes are an abomination. It's a sad fact, however, that these are fantasy fuck-me shoes, meaning that if a famous guy approached you wearing these, you'd totally fuck him despite the fact that he was wearing these. If any non-famous real-life guy attempted to even LOOK at you while wearing these, you'd do well to toss your drink in his face then slap him for good measure. All because of these faux pas. (Sorry, but you know it's true.)

Then Portland's Ultra commented on how Dior and Cause-Me-Pain-Hedi Slimane had been sending white jazzies down the catwalk in '06 eventhough Gucci male models did the runway
in them just the other month for their Spring/ Summer '08 show in Milan -- Oh the HORROR!
Um, hi. They sucked in 2006. They suck this year, and they will continue to suck in 2008.

In case you don't believe me, guys, you can get yourself a pair on for just $55 and experience the fear first hand.

Or, ladies, you can feel the fear yourself:
($28, Urban Outfitters)
And you can defile four different colors, should you so choose, because they also come in white, teal, black and super no-no silver!

Also, these different variations of peep-toe boots and gladiator sandals need to end. Now. Let's start with these:
($429, Cesare Paciotti, Zappos)
Not so good, Al.

And now, a random parade of awful shoes.
($116, Kate Spade, Zappos)

($116, Sigerson Morrison, Zappos)
I LOVE orange, and I LOVE tacky stuff, and even I was able to resist.

($186, Delman, Zappos)
Some poor helpless lamb died for Delman's sins. Unspeakable.

($694, Bruno Magli,
Besides the movie "Bringing Down the House," I'm not sure what Queen Latifah did to deserve having these shit-striped twin towers named after her.

($83, BCBGirls, Zappos)
Isn't it bad enough that shitty shoes like these dominated the 1990s? Do they really need to make a return?

Okay... Now it's time for some redemption. Shoes I like! Onward!
($162, Betsey Johnson, Zappos)
I'm not crazy about the rose detail, but the colors rule.

($59, Pink Studio,
Ab fab print!

($79, Steve Madden, Nordstrom)
I was on the fence about these when I saw them on Lulu's Fashion Lounge. But they passed my "yes" test by a hair when I saw this close-up shot. The flowers are adorable and very shabby chic.

($32, Adi Designs, Overstock)
These are a wee bit Jessica Simpson-y, but I really like the heel height, the bow detail and the price! Huzzah!

($64, BCBGirls, Amazon)
These are also fairly silly, but they look comfy, and you never know when you'll receive a last-minute invite to a polo match.

Finally, and in news unrelated to footwear, my birthday is fast approaching, and I would really really appreciate this:
($869, Mike & Chris,
Thanking you in advance,
Tamron Lohan

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