Shit. I Spent $500 Before Breakfast + Nelly's Vokal Tanktop

The other morning I woke up before work with a dangerous combination of YOLO mentality and the shopping shakes -- that jittery, antsiness that overtakes me when I haven't engaged in some middle-class TJ Maxx version of conspicuous consumption. It's like if you deprive yourself of sugar or carbs or Vanilla Dunkaroos -- sooner or later you're gonna just break down and faceplant, Valley Of The Dolls style, into a double-stuffed pizza pillow of your design.

Anyway, while shopping for my husband's upcoming birthday, I ended up finding one thing for him (though he is extremely difficult to shop for), and about four things for myself. So, happy early birthday to me!

The damage:

$179.10, DVF x Current Elliot, Saks.com

I've been sweating this DVF Loves Current/Elliott denim shirt dress for months. It went on sale from $398. When I bought it earlier this week, it was $238. Today it's $179, so I called for a price adjustment and Saks was great about doing that. ALWAYS do that! You're leaving money on the table, people. Don't let shame hold you back! That's $80 I can now spend on shoes instead of wisely saving it!

$42, Volcom, Zappos.com

Volcom chambray tank procured! I've been looking for one of these to pair with maxi skirts and little circle skirts. Commence summer of chambray! By the way, am I the only one who thinks of Vokal when I hear "Volcom"? You know, Nelly's erstwhile clothing company? As in when he shouts out "Vokal tanktop on at this point" in "Hot In Herre"? No? Just me?

MENS SWIMWEAR, TAWK AMONGST YA'SELVES

Being that last week was the first day of... Le Summer (that's "Summer" in French)... I thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to discuss men's bathing suits. I mean, right?!

I'm a huge fan of boardshorts, and really I think it's what works best for dudes. Unless you look like this guy, you probably shouldn't be wearing a little bikini bottom. However, I've recently been introduced to this shorter, more square cut version of a boardshort and I can't say I'm mad at it. Assuming you're well groomed and have decent legs, I think guys could totally go for it.

This season Diesel really delivered, not only by offering some of the most sickning suits... they give us options in length and that's something I've never seen before. You can be on some kind of Goldilocks shit... too short, not short enough, and then jussssst riiiiight.

This Pixel print is def my fav and it comes in three sizes and three zexy color patterns (from $60-$70). They're all available at Zappos and who doesn't love Zappos? You can order all three sizes, try them on and send the ones that you don't like back!:

If you like to have a little more fun with your summer swim look, these Vans Hula Girl boardshorts ($49) in standard 22" length are really something fine. If you use "the Google" you'll easily be able to locate a shirt and beach hat from Vans in the same print... cuz if you're gonna do it... do it big.

AND THENNN... if you wanna get dope-boy-fresh and have THIS auto-play when you step out on the beach, you're going to NEED the new Keith Haring x Joyrich print boardshorts ($100). (They run a little small, I tried them on over the weekend so I recommend getting a size up.) You can hit up the fine folks at Joyrich on Melrose directly or they're also being stocked at the Patricia Field boutique in New York.

And if you're bold, have daddy issues, and LIVE for metallics... then please, take a knee while I show you this next gem. Ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just gentlemen because this post is about MENS swimwear, let me present to you MY NEW... SUMMER 2011 SWIMSUIT (Please ignore the AA "model" - I look way better in this thing):

No, I'm not joking, and YES, that's right folks - you too can look like a little Chipotle burrito (they recently switched to gold foil, FYI - smart move on their part because I eat there more now.) and you have American Apparel to thank (and me because I showed you) and at only $36 why not get the silver one too? (In case Chipotle switches back, you'll be prepared.)

Neon Shoes Are IT

Yo. So, this Saturday I was in the Upper East Side doing GOD knows what, and I waited approximately the orbital period of Hayley's Comet for a 6 train. Despite a major case of GMTFOOH-itis, the wait was not for naught because observed at least six chicks wearing some refreshingly awesome neon shoes, which begat my own quest for summery neon and pop-colored shoes. Pair them with another bright bold for some color-blocking action, or with a neutral. LOVE a neon-neutral combo. So let's DO this:

($227, Diane Von Furstenberg, Zappos.com)

I actually wouldn't be mad at these bring orange Diane Von Furstenberg heels paired with a purple, red or bright pink top and some grey or black skinny jeans. Try it! You might like it. What's the worst that could happen? Are you trying to put your mothah in an early grave? Nu?

($140, Melissa, Karmaloop.com)

I want to say that the white cat eye stripe up the back of these Melissa wedges is the best part about them, but that's like saying the hair is the best part of Andrew Garfield, which is really just selling him short. Perfect with a peach or blush maxi dress, you know? Or a bold turquoise.

($73, Melissa, Karmaloop.com)

More cute rubbery realness from Melissa. The double buckle detail is worlds away from the jellies of my youth.

($51, Marais)

Normally I don't fucks with kitten heels due to the whole thick-stack-on-a-short-stick effect they create, but these Marais heels offset that potential disaster with a slimming ankle strap.

($34.99, ModCloth.com)

I probably couldn't sit let alone walk in these purple phenomenons, but if you can, you should.

($244, Chie Mahara, NeimanMarcus.com)

These cork and yellow leather Chie Mahara heels are beautiful enough on my tiny little computer screen. I can only imagine how lush they look IRL.

($484, Loeffler Randall)

These Loeffler Randall x Suno Erin lace-up wedges aren't really neon, but they are beautiful. I like how from afar the pattern looks like googly eyes. You don't see shoes with googly eyes nearly enough these days.

($278, Ground Zero, Shopfatal.com)

Oh HAVE MERCY. Clear vinyl neon and GREY Oxfords? With BREATHING HOLES? Can you kick it? YES WE CAN!

Cute Shirt Alert: 7 For All Mankind/ Mika Ninagawa Photo-Print Flower Tee

($89, 7ForAllMankind.com)

While I'M SUPER particular about floral prints -- forecast: sometimes cute, with a high chance of OD'ing on '90s grunge-girl nostalgia -- I freaking LOVE a photo print. Especially 7 For All Mankind's small collection of Japanese photographer Mika Ninagawa's floral photos. I LOVE the bold fuschias and quick flashes of blue.

It's a LITTLE tricky to style without veering into Totally Cheesy Territory (avoid the overly obvious black pants/ black blazer combo because then the shirt's just way too loud) but I'm thinking these light-rinse Gap jeans:

($69.50, Gap)

... And (stay with me here) some nice neutral sculptural shoes like:

($210, Pour La Victoire, Zappos.com)

I can't personally do wedges, but I LOVE these Pour La Victorie grey cut-out wedges.

Anyway, love the floral photo-print lily tee. It's basically the Bjork Post album cover of shirts.

NEED, LIKE YESTERDAY: Beige Nude Heels. Now.

I CANNOT stop needing for beige heels for spring. Like so:

($80, BCBG, Zappos.com)

I love the simplicity here and the name: Cream Puff!

($83, rsvp, Zappos.com)

I have (unofficially) declared this the spring I go opentoe. But I kind of appreciate the aesthetic of an '80s-style monotone beige pump. I might make an exception for these though.

($304, Michael Kors, Zappos.com)

However, I'd absolutely make an exception for these excellent deconstructed beige and orange-toed heels. I mean, LOOK AT THEM.

($710, Vionnet, Net-a-porter.com)

These Vionnet beige leather heels are the Natalie Portman of footwear -- just plain perfect to look at, and also very expensive looking.

($476, Givenchy, Farfetch.com)

Clearly Givenchy's footwear design team has broken into my home, installed a secret camera in my bedroom, attached invisible electrodes to it, and monitored me sleeping to have created the shoe of my dreams. Obviously.

Gladiators Gone Horribly Awry

($85, Type Z, Zappos.com)

Nope. Sorry. You either get to be an Oxford OR a gladiator BUT NOT both. Both is NOT an option. Pick ONE.

A PLAGUE ON YOUR HOUSE, STUART WEITZMAN!

($360, Stuart Weitzman, Zappos)

Not only are these Stuart Weitzman Trianon a fashion MIRACLE -- I mean LOOK at that Deco heel. Could you DIE and come back to LIFE? -- but they'd match my Jenny Packham wedding dress (bought it, btw, at Mark Ingram. Totally painless, and they were wonderful!) PERFECTLY. It's like Jenny Packham and Stuart Weitzman collaborated and MADE my dress to GO with these flipping GORGEOUS heels. Like to borrow a line from Beauty Blogging Junkie's Amber, I'm breathing into a bag over these. HOWEVER, I'm out for BLOOD because they're only available in a 9.5. I breathlessly emailed Zappos who were all like "oh, you're a total doll, lovey, but you're SHIT OUT OF FUCKING LUCK BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY MORE IN." (They didn't swear, but still.) SO NOW WHAT?

Look, I realize that if I DON'T get these, it's not the end of the world. I know I've lived a Very Good Life and that I'm really truly fucking blessed just to have functioning body systems and arms and legs and hands and feet, but speaking of feet, I WOULD STEAL THESE OFF OF SOMEONE'S ACTUAL FEET -- RIP THEM OFF THEIR ANKLES (if they were a size 8). LIKE, WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? WHO DO I NEED TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE IN A SIZE 8? Because I'll do it, and I'll sleep with them (quickly, drunkenly, and then deny that it ever hapened). I'm effing serious here.

Anyone know anyone in Stuart Weitzman PR? Anyone know Stuart Weitzman? I REFUSE to believe that there isn't a size 8 sitting in a warehouse somewhere. And I... I'm gonna go Nancy Drew on Stuart Weitzman ass and I'ma FIND 'EM!

YEAH, BISHES!

Perforated Plz: F-Troupe's White Patent Leather Saddle Shoes

($158, f-troupe, Oaknyc.com)

Usually white shoes are a HUGE nein, but these white patent perforated saddle shoes -- they're perforated with teensy little STARS -- break through the busted code and come out clear on the side of awesome sauce. And they remind me of the Steve Madden Skiip perforated flats I loved for so long.


A cursory Internet search brings up only the 8.5 at Zappos, so, if you're a 8.5 AND you want these shoes, it's SO your lucky day!

Totally Cute Beige Rosette Heels!

I have many a wedding coming up, and at first, I was looking for some beige rosette heels to wear in the wedding I'm in at the end of this month. I ended up going with some vintage gold heels instead, but check out these great Seychelles "Dinner Is Served" satin rosette heels in beige and black.

($84, Seychelles, Zappos.com)

The question isn't what WILL these go with but what WON'T they go with? And usually I'm not a proponent of silk shoes due to their high propensity towards getting completely ruined, but for a wedding they can be perfs, especially in a natural color like beige, or in a deep rich blue or magenta or purple. Yay, fun, cool bridal stuff!

FashionBinge's MAJOR Ankle Boot Binge!

What with fuggo flip-flops and whatnot entering store windows for the summer season (even though I've been wearing my sleeping-bag-with-arms super-duper warm coat for the past week), it is time to STOCK UP on cute ankle boots or booties or whatever you want to call them to wear with skinny jeans, leggings, tights and skirts, or whatevs. Cheyck up on all of these great booties on SALE!

($148, Free People)

Don't LOVE the bow, but I don't hate it. Since it's monotone, it's still conspicuous enough.

($164, Jeffrey Campbell, Nordstrom)

Normally I'd say these are too too much, what with the cut-outs and the studs, but in black I think they work. I'd do it.

($200, Casadei, Footcandyshoes.com)

Everyone always freaks out over Louboutin, but PLEASE give Casadei some love, okay? They were all over the red carpet at the Oscars. They're usually three times as much, but these are just $200. Woot!

($135, Shane And Shawn, Endless.com)

These are KINDA bad but could work on the right girl... or guy.

($135, Helle Comfort, Zappos.com)

Kinda wack but they could be gorgeous on. And they've even got the word "comfort" built right in!

($184, Claudia Ciuti, Nordstrom)

Not a HUGE fan of open-toed shoes, but I do like these.

($152, Diesel, Yoox.com)

I have absolutely no use for a pair of white booties, but if I did need a pair, I'd get these.

($49, Newport News)

MADONNA PARTY!

($68, Arden B.)

Sorta springy.

($412, Casadei, Endless)

Two-tone patent leather, and suede on the vamp! Studs and metallics, blah blah, these are a few of my favorite things!! All at once! On ONE shoe! Woo!

Hippity Hop -- Roos Return!

Anyone remember KangaRoos shoes? As in Roos? With the little secret pocket? SURELY you had a pair of the Velcro ones with the little zippy pocket back in the day? (I did. I think they were suede fuchsia... or maybe I'm thinking of my Punk Brewster sneakers, which were EVERY color, including fuschia.) Currently, these are some of my very favorite sneakers -- Roos Full Court hi-tops. Do NOT even LOL. Or whatever, LOL all you want, but they're extremely comfy and they look great with skinny jeans and a longer tee. Seriously. They're about $69 at Zappos, but for some reason, I can't find them on Zappos at this moment in our lives. Will research and report back in kind. UPDATE: Zappos should have them April 1st! Until then, check them out on the Norwegian Kangaroos site, so you at least know they do exist and that I didn't make them up. But if you have any sneaker streak in you, get these. I've already run through one pair and may need to reup. You should too.

And check out SneakerFreaker for info on KangaRoos' Walter Payton-inspired hi-tops.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Paul Smith Heels!

Seriuosla Janola, what's not to love about these fun Paul Smith heels in yellow patent leather? I love the Pantone-y piping that keeps them from looking too Eastery egg-y, and the whimsical curved heel.

($198, Paul Smith, Zappos)

Accidental Marc By Marc Jacobs Gem Ring Purchase

You know how like if you're trying to diet (zzzzzzzzzzz), and you totally deprive yourself and deprive yourself and then suddenly you go effing bonkers and eat like four pizzas in 14 seconds while standing over the sink? And then you scrape the cheese goo off the box top? And then you eat the box? Right, so well that's what's been happening lately since I've been trying not to buy stuff. My attempts to hold back have totally backfired, and I've been going on binges to the effing XXXXXTREEEEME. The plus side: some of the things I've ordered online haven't fit, so I've returned them but still fulfilled the urge to hit the "buy" button, as my friend put in.

Anyway, one thing I HOPE fits is this Marc By Marc Jacobs Abstract Gem ring I randomly bought, for a song!, last night on Zappos:

($55.80, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Zappos.com)

Also great in black:

December 18th Is Free Shipping Day!

Apparently Christmas miracles DO happen, because December 18th is Free Shipping Day.

Just order shit from Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Crate & Barrel, Endless.com, Nordstrom, Sur La Table, Target, Zappos, and more on December 18th, and your stuff ships free and it's guaranteed to get there by Christmas Eve (or, just "Wednesday night," if you don't celebrate His Birthday).

Also, December 18th is Christina Aguilera's birthday, so if you buy her something, you can ship it for free!

UPDATE: Amazon is no longer participating, but December 18th is STILL Christina Aguilera's birthday!

Wednesday 'Frye' Day Boot Binge!

Three pairs of Frye boots and shoes and shooties that I'm seriousla sweatin'!

($188, TheFryeCompany.com)

Saw these in the window of Soula and was inexplicably attracted to their sorta sexy/ugly nature. Sorta like the way some ladies find Steve Buscemi attractive.

($227, Frye, Zappos)

LOVE the perforated Paige boots with a buckle. And, THANK Methuselah, Zappos redesigned!!

($202, Frye, Zappos)

Love the antiquey design of the Zappos Ava Oxford. Maje wants!

Who Was Drunk On The Job At Giuseppe Zanotti?

($854, Giuseppe Zanotti, Zappos Couture)

Christ in a cupboard. Aren't these just the perfect portrait of subtle serenity? Like a swan on a placid fucking lake.

Even the description of this shitstorm of a shoe is a runway train of excess: "Iridescent metallic leather upper with a patent lip detail on the heel quarter and a croc print patent strap on the vamp."

Also, there's a jeweled buckle. If you hadn't noticed.

Less horrible but also questionable:

($132 USD, Office.co.uk)

Eeeesh. Of course, after that Giuseppe Zanotti farrago, anything looks decent.

($124, Office.co.uk)

Or, instead of buying this obscenely overreaching, potentially crippingly AND tacky wooden wedge heel, you could save your money and just split a log in half, hollow it out, and stick your foot inside. Voilà! Free shoes!