($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)
Appropriately enough, the color of this shoe is "Whiskey." Jeffrey Campbell truly must've imbibed when he designed ONE shoe with a cinch toe, cut outs, laces AND WTF ever that bridge to madness is above the toe.
($59, Steve Madden)
($499, Chanel, eBay)
But wait! They're Chanel. BUT WAIT! They're FUCKING WRETCHED! Are these like punk-dominatrix snow boots or something? You can be into S&M OR you can wear winter gear, but you don't get to be both at once.
($286, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)
Thank you, Salvador Sapena. You've answered correctly. You may be seated.