What Is Your Tampon Trying To Tell You?

Taking a brief hiatus from talking neon satchels, ankle boots, and cats to discuss tampons. Here goes...

The women's locker room at my gym is like a ghost town. It's absolutely deserted. I rarely go up there because it's up four intimidating flights of stairs, which is like its own separate workout, so why bother? But recently I trekked up there because the downstairs bathroom was occupado. Anyway, once I finally got up there, 18 minutes later or whatever, I discovered there was an untouched pirate's bounty haul of sample boxes of free tampons. Being both a normal, blood-letting woman and a savvy shopper, I swiped about 10 boxes. Again, around four people use that locker room per year, therefore obviously no one saw me. These were meant to be given away, so it was a victimless crime. So, score!

Turns out these free tampons were Playtex's Sport Tampons, which are made for "active" women "on the go" or whatever. This explains why there were probably countless marketing meetings to determine that these should be given out free in gyms to "active" ladies. And I'm pretty active, right? I'm actively staring at the clock while half-assedly working out! I'm always actively looking for photos of Ryan Gosling online! I'm VERY active when it comes to taking photos of my cat. I'm MASTERFULLY active when it comes to wasting time. This MUST be the tampon for me, you guys. Except, as the name suggests, these are tampons for sporty women. And I know this because not only do they say "SPORT" on the box, but... you guys... These tampons have athletic-tending phrases printed ON THE WRAPPERS OF THE TAMPON. Such as...




"Life is a marathon. Keep running."

"You've got the power!" (Which either makes me think of race wars or the 1990 song by Snap!)

"Go play. Have fun. Trust your tampon."


"Dance to your own beat." (<--- HIGHLY original)

"VICTORY!"

"Just go." 

"Keep a clear head."

"Go Get 'Em!" ([sic] -- WHAT is up with the title casing here? WHERE was the tampon copy editor when she was so desperately needed?)

"Work it out."


"Sports builds character."

"You can play hard and still be girly."

I mean, do I REALLY need to be marketed to while in a bathroom stall? Can't you just allow me the four seconds of solitude I so deserve instead of spouting trite axioms at me and my lady parts? It's a tampon, not a fortune cookie. Let a girl jam a tam in peace! Also, I cannot BELIEVE anyone in any board room or focus group or wherever they come up with this embarrassing shit (and yes, I'm actually judging tampons here) thinks that this is what makes women feel better when they have their period. (When in truth, you know what makes women feel better about their periods? NOTHING.) This is like someone from the '70s and their placid, detached idea of feminism, or someone from the '90s who really liked the Spice Girls. Or, in the case of "Sports builds character," some leftover Communist teaching.

If tampons HAD to say something, realistically, they should say, oh, I don't know...


"This fucking sucks."


"It's dark where I'm about to go."

Or maybe a 50 Cent lyric like "I got the magic stick."

or...


"YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT! HUZZAH!"

The only thing I need my tampon to tell me is what level of jelly it's ready for: is it a "regular," "tiny teenager" size, "super," or "HOLY SHIT, BUCKETS OF BLOOD." That's it. No "you-go-girl" arm-jabbing reassurances or, dubiously, "keep a clear head," which is almost impossible when I HAVE HORMONES SURGING THROUGH MY BLOOD VESSELS LIKE STREET DRUGS. If you're a tampon-maker and you're reading this, please spend less time making douchey statements on my tampon wrapper (as well as assuming I LIKE SPORTS) and more time building a better tampon. Like one that doesn't contain dioxins... In short, tampons aren't life coaches. They're little bits of cotton that need to stop talking and STFU and do their singular job... Of course, maybe that's what I get for stealing tampons from the gym.