I Bought A Breville Juicer, And I'm So Into It That I'll Even Share Some Juice Recipes With You

$99, Breville, Amazon

Sorry/ not sorry, guys. I've become one of "those people." (No, not a Scientologist.) One of those Brooklyn-y people who juice. No, I'm not gonna chew your ear off about like alt-cashew butter from the Park Slope Co-op or berate you for not joining a CSA or whatever, but I am gonna take a minute to tell you that I bought a Breville juicer -- the BJE200XL Juice Fountain, specifically -- and it is my chief area of concern. Like Mike Myers' mom says in "So I Married An Axe Murderer," "I juice everything now."

Now please be aware, I enjoy being basically healthy, but I am also innately lazy and feel like, for instance, making a salad sometimes feels like a lot of effort, what with the washing, and the drying, and the slicing and dicing and knowing things and the sighing. After a long, hard day of charting Justin Bieber's relationship at my place of business, it just feels like too much. But I'm not too lazy to wash some spinach, peel a few things and then utterly destroy them. Seriously, I cannot overemphasize how fun it is to destroy things. Plus, the results are delicious. And as a results-oriented type A human being, I'm wholly satisfied by the feeling of consuming an entire bag of kale, another bag of spinach, and a few pieces of fruit all in one glass. I'd be so annoyed, in a very asshole-ish first-world way, having to figure out what to do with all of that produce otherwise. 

All of that became this.

I researched juicers -- and by research I mean I spent approximately six minutes reading Amazon reviews -- and the Breville BJE200XL had the best reviews, especially for quality and easy-to-clean-ability, two things I value in anything that needs to be quality and easy to clean. Also, my kitchen is approximately the size of a newborn's thumbnail, and the juicer doesn't take up too much space. Also, anyone who says juicing is expensive is clearly high: I spent $100 on the machine, I buy two huge bags of fruits and veggies for $30 or so (note -- I don't always buy organic, but we're all gonna die some day, so... meh?) and end up with about four quarts of juice. I like Blueprint and Organic Avenue as much as the next Jewish girl who likes yoga and Equipment blouses, but one bottle of those is like $10, and I'm straight stuntin' on endless DIY ounces at home. In the words of Macklemore, I call that getting swindled and pimped. I call that getting tricked by a bizznass.

Go, get a Breville, check out two of my favorite juice recipes -- add alcohol, if you're so inclined -- and enjoy the benevolence of telling people you're now into juicing.

Your Basic Green Juice: 
2 stalks of celery 4 romaine leaves -- totally optional 
However much kale you want -- it's a free country! 
1 - 2 cups of spinach -- again, do what you want! 
1 - 3 green apples 
1 peeled cucumber 
1 peeled lemon 
1 small piece of ginger 
Maybe an orange if you're feeling particularly dangerous 
Directions: Put everything into the juicer, break stuff, enjoy! 

Beet Carrot Apple Ginger Orange Juice -- inspired by WithStyleAndGrace's Pretty In Pink juice 
3 beets -- wash, peel, cut into fourths 
5 - 6 carrots 
2 - 4 apples 
1 - 2 oranges 
1 lemon 
Directions: Put everything into the juicer, break stuff, enjoy!

Ayo, leave me juice recipes you like in the comments. 

What Is Your Tampon Trying To Tell You?

Taking a brief hiatus from talking neon satchels, ankle boots, and cats to discuss tampons. Here goes...

The women's locker room at my gym is like a ghost town. It's absolutely deserted. I rarely go up there because it's up four intimidating flights of stairs, which is like its own separate workout, so why bother? But recently I trekked up there because the downstairs bathroom was occupado. Anyway, once I finally got up there, 18 minutes later or whatever, I discovered there was an untouched pirate's bounty haul of sample boxes of free tampons. Being both a normal, blood-letting woman and a savvy shopper, I swiped about 10 boxes. Again, around four people use that locker room per year, therefore obviously no one saw me. These were meant to be given away, so it was a victimless crime. So, score!

Turns out these free tampons were Playtex's Sport Tampons, which are made for "active" women "on the go" or whatever. This explains why there were probably countless marketing meetings to determine that these should be given out free in gyms to "active" ladies. And I'm pretty active, right? I'm actively staring at the clock while half-assedly working out! I'm always actively looking for photos of Ryan Gosling online! I'm VERY active when it comes to taking photos of my cat. I'm MASTERFULLY active when it comes to wasting time. This MUST be the tampon for me, you guys. Except, as the name suggests, these are tampons for sporty women. And I know this because not only do they say "SPORT" on the box, but... you guys... These tampons have athletic-tending phrases printed ON THE WRAPPERS OF THE TAMPON. Such as...