I Bought A Breville Juicer, And I'm So Into It That I'll Even Share Some Juice Recipes With You

$99, Breville, Amazon

Sorry/ not sorry, guys. I've become one of "those people." (No, not a Scientologist.) One of those Brooklyn-y people who juice. No, I'm not gonna chew your ear off about like alt-cashew butter from the Park Slope Co-op or berate you for not joining a CSA or whatever, but I am gonna take a minute to tell you that I bought a Breville juicer -- the BJE200XL Juice Fountain, specifically -- and it is my chief area of concern. Like Mike Myers' mom says in "So I Married An Axe Murderer," "I juice everything now."

Now please be aware, I enjoy being basically healthy, but I am also innately lazy and feel like, for instance, making a salad sometimes feels like a lot of effort, what with the washing, and the drying, and the slicing and dicing and knowing things and the sighing. After a long, hard day of charting Justin Bieber's relationship at my place of business, it just feels like too much. But I'm not too lazy to wash some spinach, peel a few things and then utterly destroy them. Seriously, I cannot overemphasize how fun it is to destroy things. Plus, the results are delicious. And as a results-oriented type A human being, I'm wholly satisfied by the feeling of consuming an entire bag of kale, another bag of spinach, and a few pieces of fruit all in one glass. I'd be so annoyed, in a very asshole-ish first-world way, having to figure out what to do with all of that produce otherwise. 

All of that became this.

I researched juicers -- and by research I mean I spent approximately six minutes reading Amazon reviews -- and the Breville BJE200XL had the best reviews, especially for quality and easy-to-clean-ability, two things I value in anything that needs to be quality and easy to clean. Also, my kitchen is approximately the size of a newborn's thumbnail, and the juicer doesn't take up too much space. Also, anyone who says juicing is expensive is clearly high: I spent $100 on the machine, I buy two huge bags of fruits and veggies for $30 or so (note -- I don't always buy organic, but we're all gonna die some day, so... meh?) and end up with about four quarts of juice. I like Blueprint and Organic Avenue as much as the next Jewish girl who likes yoga and Equipment blouses, but one bottle of those is like $10, and I'm straight stuntin' on endless DIY ounces at home. In the words of Macklemore, I call that getting swindled and pimped. I call that getting tricked by a bizznass.

Go, get a Breville, check out two of my favorite juice recipes -- add alcohol, if you're so inclined -- and enjoy the benevolence of telling people you're now into juicing.

Your Basic Green Juice: 
2 stalks of celery 4 romaine leaves -- totally optional 
However much kale you want -- it's a free country! 
1 - 2 cups of spinach -- again, do what you want! 
1 - 3 green apples 
1 peeled cucumber 
1 peeled lemon 
1 small piece of ginger 
Maybe an orange if you're feeling particularly dangerous 
Directions: Put everything into the juicer, break stuff, enjoy! 

Beet Carrot Apple Ginger Orange Juice -- inspired by WithStyleAndGrace's Pretty In Pink juice 
3 beets -- wash, peel, cut into fourths 
5 - 6 carrots 
2 - 4 apples 
1 - 2 oranges 
1 lemon 
Directions: Put everything into the juicer, break stuff, enjoy!

Ayo, leave me juice recipes you like in the comments.