Bag It

Ok. Here's my long-awaited (by me) bag roundup. Since it's summer, a lot of these are geared toward the beach, outdoor bars and other places we all like to pass out in during these warm months. But, I also don't believe that just because your nasty sweat has glued the back of your thighs to your chair it automatically means that you can't carry a rad leather bag.

Therefore, let's hit this shit out of the park with a bag that is completely out of my league, but if I owned it I would carry every day until I'm an old granny who needs help going to the bathroom.

(Jerome Dreyfuss, $735 at Hejfina, Chicago)

I can't even tell you how much better this bag would make my entire life. Too bad it's like three dollars more than my rent.

As MKHo has mentioned before, please just stop with those crappy knockoffs such as this:

(XOXO, $49, Zappos.com)

We ALL know that's not a Louis Vuitton. It's ok. I'll still respect you in the morning if you don't have a closetful of Louis. But take that $50 and buy yourself something that at least looks like you put a modicum of effort into looking orig. Ugh. Ok, enough.

MK has also touched upon the fashion plague that is the denim handbag. I don't care if Chloe Sevigny carried it. That's all the MORE reason NOT to invest in such a steaming pile of denim shit.
Case in point:

($89.96, BCBGirls, Zappos.com)

You might as well pull out a hun, light it on fire and watch it go up in flames. Remember kids, just say NO to denim bags. Denim is for your derriere. Yer ASS and yer ass ONLY. Period. No exceptions, no excuses, end of story.

Kay. I promised I'd tell y'all 'bout some beachy and picnicky bags, so here's that.

First, I actually sorta like this Tara Jarmon bag:

($29.99, Tara Jarmon, Target.com)

For $30, who cares if it gets all sandy and crusty?

This bag is totally fun in an old-school granny way:

($35, Green Streets Design, ebags.com)

Wear it to go play bridge with the gals. Or to your coworker's poolside key party. If you're into that sorta thing.

Isn't this the greatest picnic basket ever?

($54.99, Kipling, ebags.com)

And it's on sale! Yay!

And, if you're going to the fanciest picnic ever, be sure to pack your space bags of Franzia in this:

($315, Maxx New York, ebags.com)

And now, it's totes times for totes!

Some folks in Oz make the CUTEST retroy bags in a variety of styles. Check out their e-shoppe, Slingflings. They're Australia's first climate-neutral business (whatever that means!) and use all vintage fabrics, which I totally get.

I could just sit in a corner and weep directly into this bag all day. That’s how precious it is.

($38, Paul Frank, karmaloop.com)

Here's a beauts tote by Marc Jacobs:($251.95, Marc by Marc Jacobs, zappos.com)

And here's a slightly similar version for way less, natch:

($55.95, Loop, Zappos.com)

Oh, and speaking of Marc Jacobs, here's one by him that looks like a deflated beach ball:

($161.95, Marc by Marc Jacobs, zappos.com)

Errr... okay.

I'm lumping diaper bags into the same category as tote bags (or, specifically, I'll say they're a subcategory), because they're often just tote bags with more pockets. And, you don't have to have a baby to use a diaper bag. That'd be discrimination! So, I love this diaper bag:

($98.95, Dante Beatrix, ebags.com)

I only like it because I love the idea of a diaper bag with a devil on it! Why? Because babies are evil. (Except for yours, Holly!!)

I like this bag only because its brand is so aptly named "Not Rational."

($428.95, Not Rational, Zappos.com)

$425 for a bag that's going to smell like puke and barf? Bad idea jeans. Instead, save yourself the embarrassment of executing such poor financial judgement, and get yourself a LeSportsac, which Not Rational is clearly biting off anyway. Wait... If an expensive brand knocks off an inexpensive brand, would that make it a "knock up"? Ha! I'm totally awesome.

($84, LeSportsac, LeSportsac.com)

God. You know, that whole ordeal just got me so effing mad that I'm now going to devote the rest of this post to...

Bags That Totally Suck

($5.99, Alloy.com)

Can you BELIEVE this sparkling dungheap is ONLY $5.99?... I’d rather be seen carrying around a plastic bag from the grocery store. At least that’d look effortless. And it might even count as recycling.

The same people who brought you Glittery Garbage (see above) are also proud to present:

($25, alloy.com)

Beaded barf!Get 'em while they're hot, ladies!

Just because it's expensive doesn't mean it can't be an exercise in positively horrendous taste:

($415, Paul Smith, Styledrops.com)

For just $415, you can drive away with this handbag equivalent of a lump of coal. If ever you're driving down the street and slow down to bear witness to any man (or woman) carrying this, hit the gas and don’t look back.

Horrible:

($268.95, Icon, Zappos.com)

And its larger, fraternal twin:

($268.95, Icon, Zappos.com)

Much like Kimora Lee herself, her bags should NEVER be brought out in public. Don't believe me? Click and enjoy!

These seatbelt bags...

($96.95, Harveys, Zappos.com)

...please, just stop it. I don't CARE that Reese Witherspoon has one. You're not Reese (if you are, HI! Loved you in "Election!") Is your life really SO rugged that you need a bag that can withstand the jaws of life?

Total horror of horrors!!!

($13.75, vintage, vintagebag.com)

I know I’m going to see some underweight girl in a dirty tee and black super skinny jeans and heels who looks like she hasn’t slept in eight days carrying this piece of dreck around. That’ll be the worst $13 bucks homegirl ever spent.

And, finally, let's focus our attention on two of the utmost vomitous bags I've seen in a month of Sundays.

First, doesn't this look like something Courtney Love would've used this to smuggle her pills into Roseland Ballroom?

($5.99, Alloy.com)

And again, can you BELIEVE that's only six bucks? What were they thinking?

And, my very last in my short list of hein handbags is this sad sack by Crazy Aunt Betsey, also known as Betsey Johnson.

($98.95, Betsey Johnson, Zappos.com)

Betsey’s sorta like the nutty, eccentric aunt who everyone loves until she’s had a few too many (you know, the one who's married to your drunk uncle?) Sometimes I think she took a "trip" to Betseyville and just never came back. But, you gotta love a woman who can still do cartwheels at age... 70? Unfortunately, there's just no love for that feathery faux pas. I will hold out though, because she can often go from hate to great, so Betsey, if you're reading this, please, send us something to love.