Banana Republic's Black Velvet Dress: All I Want For The Third Night Of Chanukkah

$98, Banana Republic
(Gifted by Banana Republic)

Something's happening. Something's different. I feel like Tony in "West Side Story" when he first meets Maria, only hopefully with a far less tragic ending. Basically, I've fallen in love with VELVET. My most hated, feared and loathed fabric, the one my parents warned me against. Banana Republic's black velvet sheath dress, from their excellent holiday collection, is the ONLY velvet dress I've ever loved. It may look kinda "meh"-ish on the hanger, but this thing comes ALIVE on the female form. It fits ABSOLUTELY perfectly -- forgiving in the places that need forgiveness, and snug enough in the places that call for snuggling. It's so versatile that I've worn it at least three times already this month, to a holiday party with black tights and my Charlotte Russe Miu Miu-"inspired" glitter heels, an evening event with burnt sienna tights and turquoise booties (MUCH cuter than it sounds) and a TV taping with Wolford Hero bondage tights, which were a generous gift from Tightsplease and belong on a wall because they're a work of fucking art.) You can also do that kinda '90s grunge-girl thing, but in a cleaner way. (Like, no slouchy knit hat, por favor!)

Saxy Time! Dolce Vita Grey Cut-Out Heels With Maroon Tights!

($132, Dolce Vita, Bonadrag.com)

These grey suede cut-out Dolce Vita booties are super saxy times, and the price is even saxier, no? They'd look gorge with some rusty, russetty orange or maroon tights -- We Love Colors' got 'em -- and maybe a brown leather skirt, like the one I order from Urban Outfitters and is STILL on backorder?

($12.50, We Love Colors)

Oh Noes: Two-Tone Pantyhose

($16, American Apparel)

Who else but American Apparel would find these two-toned tights acceptable for non-Halloween usage? Uggz. Can't decide what's worse: these tights or their look-at-this-closeup-of-my-crotch
campaigns.

More Grey Boots, Please!

If you've read like, over half of my previous posts, you probs know that I LOVE grey boots. Despite the fact that I own none, my blogdentity is pathetically tied to my great adoration of grey heeled footwear.

Now, let's not waste any more time that could be devoted to the object of my affection!

($119, Dolce Vita, Urban)

($150, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban)

($214, Charlotte Ronson, PinkMascara.com)

Urban Outfitters had another pair but their site's wonked out. Eff 'em, I say!


Now, of course, you're gonna be needing some cuters tights to go with those. Check these:

($11-ish, Jonathan Aston, tightsplease.co.uk)


(About $9, Pamela Mann, tightsplease.co.uk)
Both of the above picks have lotsa other bold, bright colors that you've probably thought about painting your bedroom but are ultimately satisfied that you didn't.


Speaking of being totally wack, here is a pair of miracle hosiery which can magically eradicate your complete and utter lack of willpower you've demonstrated in the face of carbohydrates for the past five or six years:

(A whopping $50, Palmers, tightsplease.co.uk and everywhere fine coffee-based pantyhose are sold!)
More info about coffeehose here. At $50, I say purging is STILL cheaper. (KIDDING, peeps!)

Dudes, you're often excluded from the excitement of the 'Binge. Well, dry those proverbial dude tears, fellas, because boys don't cry! Then, bust out three c-notes, because these "trainers" rule:

($285, Common Projects, Aloharag.com)

And now, here it is folks, your fashion morts:
($129, Suck City)