Christian Louboutin's Roxane Handbags Will Hurt You Like In A Christian Grey Way

I like my handbags the opposite of the way I like everything else in my life: DANGEROUS. Which is why I'm answering the siren call of Christian Louboutin's hazardously spiked Roxane handbags. What good is a purse if it doesn't cause a little pain? Wait, WHAT's gotten into me? And am I really admitting to the blog-reading PUBLIC that I actually read the steaming turd that is "Fifty Shades Of Grey"? WHO AM I? WHY, GOD WHY? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I USED TO BE COOL AND DISCRIMINATING AND TOO GOOD FOR SHIT LIKE A REAL NEW YORKER!

Anyway, while I deal with my pedestrian tastes, let's get back to the bags -- at $2495, I'm actually in no danger of so much as even encountering one IRL. I'll just submissively admire from afar.

REVEALED: I Bought These Christian Louboutin Clou Noeud Spikes!

($1195, Christian Louboutin, Barneys)

Oops. I confused "I bought these" with "I'd look really amazing in these." Sorry. Won't happen again.

Discount Vs. Designer: Matiko Does Christian Louboutin's Rollerball Studded Loafers!

Christian Louboutin, or, as Paris Hilton likes to say, Christian Loubuiton's studded Rollerball loafers have been on my fantasy fashion wish list for a fortnight. Obviously, since they're a grand, they're staying in the realm of the virtual and not the actual. BUUUUT, thanks to Matiko, a less-bad-ass version -- their "Leila" studded loafers -- could be mine for just $119. And guess what? THEY WILL! Just try and WATCH me not buy 'em!

($995, Christian Louboutin, Saks)

($119, Matiko, Solestruck.com)

And Christian Louboutin's Zebra Pack studded loafers will top my fantasy fashion list probably forever. They're like the late, great Mark Bolan in shoe form.

theOutnet.com's Shoe Collection Is Giving Me Inappropriate Urges

Seriously, I'm getting tingly... now the tingling is turning to numbness. I may or may not be blacking out. Isn't this how Michael Hutchence died?

Check out theOutnet's -- Net-a-Porter's younger, hipper, CHEAPER, sister -- shoe selects. Designer shoes, discount prices.

($238, Chloe, theoutnet.com)


($199, Chloe, theoutnet.com)



($115, Marc Jacobs, theoutnet.com)

($232, Bally, theoutnet.com)

Gahhhh these silver Bally heels so have my name on them. Unfortunately, my credit cards have my name on them too.

($532, Christian Louboutin, theoutnet.com)

Usually I don't freak out and make a total jackass out of myself and act all like OMFG SEX AND THE CITY IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE AND I NEED JIMMY CHOOS AND LOUBOUTINS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CARRIE BRADSHAW WORE AND OUR LIVES ARE SOOOOOO ALIKE BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE BOYS AND HAVE GIRL FRIENDS AND LIKE CLOTHES AND LAPTOPS and shit over Louboutins, but these Prive Louboutins are spesh.

Five Of The Ugliest Shoes I've Seen In Ages

Horbs shoes, in no particular order. Because does ugly really need an order?

($720, Dolce & Gabbana, Luisaviaroma.com)

Sure The Elton John Museum is aware of the recent robbery that took place there...

($1324, Christian Louboutin, Luisaviaroma.com)

Nope. Sorry. You either get to be a boat shoe OR a stiletto, but not both. (Sorry, Fergie.)

($1306, Valentino, Luisaviaroma.com)

It's bad enough that Bea Arthur recently passed away. Did Valentino really have to DEFACE the Golden Girls' beloved couch on top of it?

($595, Pucci, Net-a-porter.com)

These could actually be cute if... no wait. They could never be cute.

($41, Costumes4less.com)

Six and a half inches of faux wood and weep.

GET THEE TO GILT GROUPE For Their Louboutin Sale!

Gilt Groupe's Christian Louboutin sale is goin'... goin'... almost GONE, but there are, surprisingly, a few pairs left, which would be PERFECTION for weddings! Check up on it, and refresh the page if they're lookin' like they're all sold out. Not sure if that will actually land a pair in your basket, but I am seeing inventory change when I do that. Hee! And, leave your email in the comments if you need a Gilt Group invite.

($428, Christian Louboutin, Gilt Groupe)

The Draped lurex Louboutins in Platinum are freaking HEAVENLY and PERFECT for brides, no? And OBVS you could wear them OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

($428, Christian Louboutin, Gilt Groupe)

Same Draped Lurex Pumps, in Fuchisa. I love the rhinestone buckle.

($468, Christian Louboutin, Gilt Groupe)

Not rully my speed, but perfs for a fancy beach wedding. Go geyt 'em gurlz!

Louboutin For BARBIE, Peace OUT Kira Plastinina!

That lucky little plastic bitch is getting her own LOUBOUTINS! According to Refinery29, "The pumps, which will grace the feet of models during a Barbie-inspired runway show come February, will be colored Barbie Pantone 219 Pink, naturally."

Oh yeah, and speaking of plastic, RIP scary-ass Kira Plastinina (the store, not the girl!). FashionBinge, for one, will NOT miss you!

Spring Shoes: Trend Mash-Up

In which I've taken a few of my favorite Spring 2008 shoes that combine one or more of the upcoming trends and details and consolidated them into one one hearty post, with more to come. Stilettos in heights that defy good sense, textured metallic accents, peep toes and lush patents. Wee!

($411, Christian Louboutin, Net-a-porter.com)

Mmm. Creamy grey patents! With a wider heel! The mirrored heels and unusal batwing peaks make these even more murder-inspiring.

($730, Christian Louboutin, Net-a-porter.com)

I'm not sure what is "mini" about the Christian Louboutin Mini Bout Zeppa pumps, but they're perfectly, well, perfect.

($670, Versace, eLuxury.com)

Bold and razor-sharp in silvery gunmetal, more refined in bronze.

($449, Petra Rubino, Forzieri.com)

I'm personally not the ankle-tie type, but I applaud the woman who can pull off these interesting Oxfords. The color combo here rules.

(Apprx $530 USD, Gwendolyn Carrie)

Black + gold = chocolate and peanut butter.

($130, Vince Camuto, Piperlime.com)

It is time for me to officially declare: I think I love everything Vince Camuto does.

($330, Chie Mahara, Saks)

Total granny chic, updated in blood red = loves.

(Apprx $58 USD, Topshop.com)

Allllllegedly we're gonna be seeing a lot of ikat patterns now-ish. And I welcome these red ikat pumps by Topshop with open arms and an open wallet. Now HURRY UP AND OPEN IN NEW YORK!

Pretty In Pink Pumps

($760, Christian Louboutin, Neiman Marcus)

Okay, so these are actually more like stilettos than pumps, but I wanted to stick with the "P" alliteration. Anyway, I've been seeing these pretty, Pepto-pink Christian Louboutin peep-toe heels everywhere. And by "everywhere," I mean on the feet of people far more wealthy and renown than me. But you can't blame a girl for dreaming.

More hot pink heels:

($195, Jil Sander, Josephineonline.com)

A steal, comparatively speaking!

($193, KG By Kurt Geiger, Asos.com)

When I picture my ultimate, actualized self, I'm wearing these.

($36, Pleaser Shoes, 5thfloorproductions.com)

These five-inch heels, much like commandeering a commercial airplane, are a great idea in theory. Let's just say there's a reason these go up to size 16. Rad color though.

($14, Gojane.com)

Slightly more appropriate for church.

+ Also: check out Because I'm Addicted's news byte on Christian Louboutin's red-sole trademark. He's got the "sole patent" on the red sole. Harrrrr... terrible. I know.

Mary-Kate's Yellow Louboutins

(Photo via Fashionsite.blogspot.com)

In the newest issue of Nylon, Mary-Kate is wearing a pair of Christian Louboutins that probably weigh more than she does. All the more reason I should have them instead -- she could HURT herself!

My attempts to ID the Louboutins has so far been fruitless. Here's as close as I came:

($650, Christian Louboutin, Net-a-porter.com)

Close, but no cigar as "they" say.

($27, Amazon)

Wah. Even less of a cigar. Anyway, if anyone knows what the Louboutins that MK is wearing are called, please lemme know. If only to assuage my curiosity.

Also, and oddly, I've never had this problem before, but I've HEARD that people sometimes refer to their Louboutins as "Loubs." PLEASE don't. It sounds sort of like an infection.