MENS SWIMWEAR, TAWK AMONGST YA'SELVES

Being that last week was the first day of... Le Summer (that's "Summer" in French)... I thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to discuss men's bathing suits. I mean, right?!

I'm a huge fan of boardshorts, and really I think it's what works best for dudes. Unless you look like this guy, you probably shouldn't be wearing a little bikini bottom. However, I've recently been introduced to this shorter, more square cut version of a boardshort and I can't say I'm mad at it. Assuming you're well groomed and have decent legs, I think guys could totally go for it.

This season Diesel really delivered, not only by offering some of the most sickning suits... they give us options in length and that's something I've never seen before. You can be on some kind of Goldilocks shit... too short, not short enough, and then jussssst riiiiight.

This Pixel print is def my fav and it comes in three sizes and three zexy color patterns (from $60-$70). They're all available at Zappos and who doesn't love Zappos? You can order all three sizes, try them on and send the ones that you don't like back!:

If you like to have a little more fun with your summer swim look, these Vans Hula Girl boardshorts ($49) in standard 22" length are really something fine. If you use "the Google" you'll easily be able to locate a shirt and beach hat from Vans in the same print... cuz if you're gonna do it... do it big.

AND THENNN... if you wanna get dope-boy-fresh and have THIS auto-play when you step out on the beach, you're going to NEED the new Keith Haring x Joyrich print boardshorts ($100). (They run a little small, I tried them on over the weekend so I recommend getting a size up.) You can hit up the fine folks at Joyrich on Melrose directly or they're also being stocked at the Patricia Field boutique in New York.

And if you're bold, have daddy issues, and LIVE for metallics... then please, take a knee while I show you this next gem. Ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just gentlemen because this post is about MENS swimwear, let me present to you MY NEW... SUMMER 2011 SWIMSUIT (Please ignore the AA "model" - I look way better in this thing):

No, I'm not joking, and YES, that's right folks - you too can look like a little Chipotle burrito (they recently switched to gold foil, FYI - smart move on their part because I eat there more now.) and you have American Apparel to thank (and me because I showed you) and at only $36 why not get the silver one too? (In case Chipotle switches back, you'll be prepared.)

FINALLY! A BATHING SUIT WITH A HORSE ON IT!

($385, We Are Handsome, Net-a-Porter.com)

If you've been reading FashionBinge for at least a minute, you might know I have a "thing" about horses. I never rode horses, and I probably wouldn't, actually, as I'm almost as afraid of heights, speed, and falling (and with horseback riding comes the likelihood of all three) as I am those terrible sublimated dyed shirts. I certainly never owned a horse either. But I'm inexplicably drawn to miniature horses, horse accessories, and a well-timed, unforeseen appearance by a horse on an unsuspecting garment like a swimsuit. I mean COME ON. When did you last see a horse on a swimsuit, hm??

Besides the $385 price tag, the only bad thing I can possibly think of to say about this horse bathing suit by Australian brand We Are Handsome (the brand's name alone is killing me loudly), is that it'd probably make every other un-be-horsed article of clothing I own jealous not to have a horse gallantly galloping across it.

Nobody Does A Bikini Better Than Mara Hoffman

($170, Mara Hoffman, Shopbop.com)

I need a bikini like I need... I don't know. A pair of pink Uggs or something. I will probably never see the water this summer, which I'll be spending under the fluorescent lights of my office. Just like I spent the past 10 summers! But if I were in the market for a bikini, nobody does it better than Mara Hoffman. Right, Carly Simon? Baby you're the best.

Big-Bust Bathing Suit Lust!

I was gonna throw "Must" into that headline to keep the rhyming going, but sometimes you just need to know when to throw in the towel. And speaking of towel, if there were an entire village inhabited by cute bathing suits, this black-and-white polkadotted Esther Williams bathing suit would be the mayor of Cuters Bathing Suit Town:

($79, Esther Williams, ModCloth.com)

Available in up to size 16, and cut to fit you amply endowed lady friends out there (you knows who you ares). Yay! And it's cut low, so you don't have to suffer the indecent indignity of the revolting porn-star high-cut suit.

And speaking of Esther Williams, I did a post on her excellent retro suits way back in the earl-ie days of the Binge! Ah lookah heyah!

Carabella Swim Sale!

Carabella's having a big-aysed sale: 40% off their entire site through Sunday. Enter code C418. I just bought these three suits (with fingers crossed that they fit because I'm not sure about their return policy, but I am sure if I don't buy a suit soon, I'm gonna be going jumping in the water in a shorts and t-shirt when I go to the beach at the end of this month).

($79, Sunflair, Carabella)


($49, It Figures, Carabella)

Not sure about this one, but it's not bad and doesn't have legs cut up to the ears. Hate that.

($39, Shape FX, Carabella)

The Marissa Miller boobie bandeau I blogged about before. We'll see, maybe it'll work.

And happy fourth, everyone. It looks like it's about to rain here, so we're sittin' around the homefront in the AC, watching some show about Tom Petty. Ain't that America? And, of course, we're keeping it fashionable -- check out the awesome chef's toque con longosta that my boyfriend is randomly rocking:

Big-Busted Bathing Suit Bonanza!

In real life, I'm pretty much a straightshooter. Online however, since we haven't exactly all met or anything, I tend to air on the more discreet side -- I'm just not the type of blogger who likes to blog about personal stuff like past sexual partners or number of weekly poos I take or that sort of thing. But, I'll be blunt about this because it's no big secret, it's something many of you readers out there can sympathize with, and because it's pretty obvious -- while I'm short (5'2") and small (around size 8), I ain't exactly wee on top. Like I said -- no big secret. They're quite real, and they're quite a hassle, especially when shopping for bras and bathing suits, and coincidentally I shopped for both this weekend. The former yielded more successful results. The latter, however... oy.

I tried on this lovely one-piece (it's gonna be a one-piece summer, my friends) at Bird:

($99, Mocium, Bird)

Surprisingly the butt and tum looked great! The top, however, covered basically not a damn thing. It was like comically pornographic looking. Like Pam Anderson in Baywatch, minus the gravity-defying silicon. Not cute. Seriously, this suit is for AAAAAAAA cups. I seriously felt a bit like this:



... Minus the bulge. Use your imagination. It was ridiculous. So when I got home, I Googled, in a rather rudimentary fashion, "big-busted bathing suits." Again, slightly ridiculous, I know. To my surprise though, I found some really cute stuff for those of us out there who are a weeeee bit bigger than a C and can't exactly pop in and buy suits right off the rack at Target or Old Navy. And, because some of you can, I threw in some "regular lady" suits too, so everyone feels like they win.

($99, Fantasie of England, Biggerbras.com)

I can't really tell if this is granny-ish or not, but I think it could actually be kinda cute. By the way, I'd never heard of Biggerbras.com, but it looks like most of the bathing suits start at D cups. Yay!

($89, Sunflair, Carabella.com)

Classic sweet polka dots. I like the piping at the neckline.

($75, Popina)

Sweet, but if you're gonna do polka dots, I think it's best to keep them black-and-white.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

I'm a bigger fan of this turquoise shade than the robin's egg blue above. And while the jeweled strap is a weeee bit cheeze-say, you can't deny the awesome slimming powers of shirring. Plus, this suit's got a built-in shelf bra, which is a must, obviously. I might try this one out. And also, I must say, I'd never heard of Carabella, but I'm definitely glad I discovered in my "big booby bathing suit" search, because their selection, range of sizes, and prices are great.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

Love the soft grey and the super femme style here. And, YO! $39!

($63, Rochford, Biggerbras.com)

It's a little '80s but still really cute. The tie = quite waist-enhancing, which is a good thing, especially if you've got lotsa business up top.

($39, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

($29, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

Shoshanna makes some of my favorite bathing suits -- especially bikinis -- for the well-endowed lady, erm, even though this one's only available (or only in stock) in up to a C cup. But check out the cute treasure chest theme on the soft pink background! Cute cute cute!

(Top: $11.95, bottom: $8.95, Carabella.com)

See, regular-chested lady? I care about you too!

Escape to Cuters Beach

I'm headed out on a starter vacay tomorrow -- I really should be packing and not playing around. And while I'm not going to the beach (nay, definitely not -- I'm off to sandy Kalamazoo... jealous?), here's my fantasy packing list of stuff I'd like to be bringing with me were I off to a weeklong trip to the beach and not getting up at 5 a.m. for a three-day trip to the Midwest:

($168, Letarte, Canyonbeachwear.com)

Such a suit. Letarte makes great suits. This safari bikini is supercute and not too overkill with the jungle theme.

($156, Letarte, Couturecandy.com)

Another cute Letarte. Reminds me of Shoshanna's bikinis.

($187, Serfontaine, WinkNYC.com)

These are sort of ridiculous, but they're so soft and comfy-looking and would be so cute with a beachy tank.

($30.50, Alloy)

So old-school they're almost great. Very Mary-Kate Olsen, according to Chicago JP. True!

($35, Alternative Apparel)

Buttery soft heather cropped pants, perfect for pulling on and lounging around after you've taken your post-beach shower. Also, I cannot say enough good things about Alternative Apparel -- their fit and feel are fantastic, and they're not headed by an evil, mustachioed porn-faced CEO! Yay!

($112, Peter Jensen, Gargyle)

More Southampton than South Padre.

($595, Loeffler Randall, ActiveEndeavors.com)

I'm not the type to wear heels with shorts and a bikini top, but if I wear, these would be the perfect pair for that sort of ridiculous posturing that really only happens in movies and magazines, I hope.

($75, Shopintuition.com)

Super cute beachy-prep bowling bag.

($68, Brooklyn Industries)

Not beachy per se, but super fun. Brooklyn Industries has gotten cuter! The first one reminds me of Paul's Boutique.

($70, Boost, Urban Outfitters)

Suuuuuuuper fun, suuuuuper summery cute headphones... to go in your beach bag.

($1.29, Biocare Labs)

The site is pure crap, but trust me -- this lip balm is the best. Doesn't do that gross thing where it makes you thirsty in the back of your throat. Okay -- time to pack my ACTUAL, real-life items. Nitey!

Bathing Suit Lust: Zimmermann's Avalon Butterfly Suit

($242, Avalon, WinkNYC.com)

To be sure, $242 is a lot for this bathing suit, by Aussie label Zimmermann, but it does come with a halter strap, and that's worth at least eight bucks! Very Golden Girls glam. Also, I don't really have $242 sitting around, but I do have some eggs ripe for the harvesting! Do you think Wink barters?

Another sweet butterfly motif Zimmermann suit:

($196, Zimmermann, Shopbop)

Not That I Really Want To Think About Swimwear At This Point, But...

I mean, blah blah blah love your body and get breast exams and shit, but honestly, at this point in the season, I'd probably rather get a couple consecutive Paps than go bathing suit shopping. But that doesn't keep me from Windows shopping (GET IT????). Lame, I know. Onto the suits...

I just found out about swim line Red Carter. I likes what I sees!

(Red Carter, Tropi-Ties.com)

Looks like this one, the "Nouvelle," isn't available until later this month. Worth waiting for, I opine!

(Red Carter, Tropi-Ties.com)

This one -- the "Straight Arrow," is also TK, as we say in "the biz"... the biz of saying things. Can you handle the arrow pointing toward and away from your "choche"? (It rhymes with "encroach," in case you were wondering, and Daddy Likey inspired that one. It kind of almost reminds me of the Most Amazing Bikini Ever Created -- Kara Janx's fear-ocious tigerkini, which is on super-duper sale (in size L) here:

($60, Kara Janx, Azaeleasnyc.com)Good kitty. Down, girl!

($92, Carter Red, Bluefly.com)

Subtle but not boring! By the way, Bluefly just launched a new something-or-other called B*fly -- looks basically just like a site-within-a-site, designed to help you wade through the grammaw stuff and find the cute stuff faster. Okay then.

($115, Shoshanna, Nordstrom)

($66, Shoshanna, Nordstrom)

Shoshanna deserves mad big-boob props -- she designs for a wonderfully realistic range of weird cup-age, fruit-inspired body shapes and other various real-woman issues of disproportion. While the top of this suit does go all the way up to 36DDD, I really couldn't it being right for a busty broad. Nevertheless, this is an adorable pick (love the sunny mid-century diamonds!), and, as previously stated, Shoshanna is great for stylish, smart, supportive suits in an impressive range of sizes. I have two bikinis by her that I love. Get some.

(Top: $38, Bottom: $38, Billabong, Urban Outfitters)

Cute. A mass-market version of that ubi-quit-ous Elie Saab floral dress?

(Elie Saab, RTW 2008)

(Top: $9.99; Bottom: $9.99, Old Navy)
Easy, cute.

($98, Urban Outfitters)

I like me a nice one-piece. This one's flirty-cute, and it's got a lot of coverage, which isn't necessarily bad; modesty's not just for Mormons, you know! Oh yeah, also: Urban Outfitters promo code: 10% off your online order: PICKAWINNER, expires May 10, 2008.

($88, Coco Reef, Dillards)

Classic and class-y! This chick looks like Eva Longoria and J.Lo at the same time.

($100, DKNY, Dillards)

This one comes with the sash -- but not with the resistance ball. So if you want to wear your bathing suit outside on the way to the gym, you need to get BYORB. Anyway, the understated stripes are gorgeously offset by the fun-in-the-sun orange, (tee! Women's magazine writing!) LAYYYYDEEEEZE! I really do love this though. It's like the embodiment of Roy Lichtenstein's "Girl With Ball."


Night, lovelies! I'm off to catch some zois.