Gap's Perfect Neon/Neutral Leather Tote: Stylish And Cheaper Than A Baby

$79.95, Gap 

Meet my new baby! No, not the kind of baby that comes from mommy and daddy kissing (or alcohol). Those kinds of babies are LOUD. And expensive! So instead, I picked up Gap's new leather stripe tote, which comes in many cute combinations, but I opted for neon coral because the neon says "HELLO WORLD!! I'M HERE!!," while the beige says "Shhhh... I know. We all know. We heard you." At $79, it's way cheaper than a real baby and not made as well as a baby, but it is made really well for a leather bag that costs less than $100. And it has a zipper -- ever seen a BABY that comes with its own zipper? Sure, it's more of short-term investment of a baby, but a bag won't keep you up at night. Viva la beauty sleep!

This Eat Kale And Carry On Bag Is For Assholes

This "Eat Kale And Carry On" bag ACTUALLY EXISTS!

If you ever, I repeat, EVER see any person walking down the street carrying this horrendously sanctimonious "Eat Kale & Carry On" canvas (of course) tote bag (I spotted it in a store window I probably should've smashed on Smith Street in Cobble Hill), you have my express permission to mercy punch them. The hope is that they'll eventually fall off of their asshole, elitist pedestal and thank you for it. It's one thing to eat kale and/or to carry a canvas tote bag (although both separately and together, they each involve varying levels of self-aware shame and self-loathing if you're me). It's quite another to prance around like a fully formed assnozzle and smugly force your agenda on the innocent public.

Kanye West Accidentally Left His Mara Hoffman Bag At My House

I just finished writing a StyleUnited piece on beach bags, and I just so happened to happen upon this Mara Hoffman's King Tut beach bag. I kinda feel like Kanye West would carry this bag to the beach. Or have someone carry this bag for him. Also, the Kanye version of this bag would be made of platinum, thread woven from gold and Karl Lagerfeld's own hair, and unbridled ego.

$231, Mara Hoffman, RevolveClothing.com

Honestly, though my affection and affinity for this print is immeasurable. No one bag should have all that power. It's like someone took a photo copy of my soul.

Kime Buzzelli Sorry Is For Suckers Tote

($38, Kime Buzzelli For Vans, Vans.com)

Finally a functional, affordable, colorful graphic print tote that expresses the unapologetic sentiments that have been guiding me in my life lately. Seriously, the amount of cuh-rap that people have expected me to apologize for lately is enough to merit me my own Lifetime Television Movie. Anyway, this watercolor bag by Ohio (yay!) artist Kime Buzzelli is dope and reminds me of the down-market version of the Prada Fairy Bag, except it's $38 and not, you know, $2300. Score.

PS -- On a slightly related note, I've had Madonna's "Sorry" stuck in my head all day...

Madonna - New Music - More Music Videos

Marc By Marc Jacobs USA Beach Bag

Not that I even KNOW from a beach these days, and seriously, if I see ONE MORE FUCKING FACEBOOK UPDATE about how you can't WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT for your effing trip to Cabo Wabo or Sea World or Seven Flags or the beaches of Beantown or P-town or the Emerald Isle or whatever I will probably not be able to restrain myself and I will probably punch you. It probably won't hurt, and I'll probably be really because it's really immature, but still. What I'm trying to say is that A VACATION WOULD BE REALLY NICE! ONE THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE A WEDDING, FAMILY, OBLIGATIONS, OR SPENDING MY OWN MONEY. Not that weddings and family aren't nice. They are. But if someone wanted to give me a trip to somewhere with a beach and a bucket of Freeze Pops, that'd be fanfuckingtastic. I wouldn't know Montauk if it knocked on my door and evicted me.

Now what was I saying before I let out some pent-up aggression in an inappropriate setting? OH YEAH! Just that this vintage-inspired Marc by Marc Jacobs USA Tote is really cute. NOT THAT I HAVE ANYWHERE TO BRING IT.

($18, Marc By Marc Jacobs)

This Old Navy Tote Bag INFURIATES ME!

($4.99, Old Navy)

WHO! Not "that"... it should be WHO! "I Heart Boys WHO recycle!"

THAT/ WHO Grammar Rule =
WHO = PEOPLE
THAT = THINGS

I refuse to believe it should be any other way!!!! Grrr!

Harajuku Lovers Techno Pins Bag!

If loving Harajuku Lovers handbags is wrong, I don't even wanna be right, y'all. No they're not subtle. Yes yes, they're geared toward young folks, but HL bags are light, durable and hold EVERYTHING, and sometimes you can find them for less than LeSportsac. I shoved half the contents of my life into mine tonight, and I actually didn't feel like I was going to crack my poor achy little shoulder off. No, they're not job-interview material, but for everyday use, they get high marks, especially for cuteness...

Anyway, check out their fun new Techno Pins print in the "Uh-Oh" tote style -- my favorite -- because it's got lots of PERFECTO pockets AND a zip top:

($98, Harajuku Lovers)


($29, Harajuku Lovers, TheGiantPeach.com)

Super cute in its cosmetic bag vershe. Looky that whistle charm zipper pull! Hee! AND you could put BOBBY PINS in it, YOU KNOW?

($41, Harajuku Lovers, 6pm.com)

The "Uh-Oh" bag in Peacock (hee!), if you need something a LITTLE less Technocolored.

($30, Lulu's)

Not a Harajuku Lovers bag, but similar cute Pop style at a bear market price!

Rebecca Minkoff Bread And Wine Bag Equals I Know What You Did Last Night

($185, Rebecca Minkoff)

If the other side of this market bag had a compartment that said "cheese" and one that said "circus," and a little mention somewhere of Real Housewives of Atlanta, then it would perfectly capture everything I did last night. As it is, the Bread & Wine bag is everything I WON'T be doing tonight during Yom Kippur. Sadness!

The Rebecca Minkoff market bag's a widdle pricey for gimmicky bag, but it is leather, and 5% of the proceeds benefit the Earth Foundation.

Anyway, happy fasting!

Totes Bag Lust: Alexandra Cassaniti's Tote Lust

($220, Alexandra Cassaniti)

Lusting por this graffiti-goes-glam tote. The pink-eye isosceles and scalenes remind me of the Vuarnet logo deconstructed. (Via Coolhunting.)

Here's a super-duper ghetto option, if you need easy, breezy toteage:

($14.95/ dozen, Oriental Trading)

BTW, I read somewhere that Vuarnet was relaunching, but I can't find any Internet proof to corroborate. Oh well.

UPDATE!
It's actually '80s surf-n-skate brand Maui & Sons that's making a comeback. At Opening Ceremony, natch. I was feeling down on myself for my fruitless Googling -- I was seriously doubting my Internet prowess! Until I saw a dude last night wearing a Maui & Sons shirt and it hit me that I'd had my '80s sport Tees mixed up. Phew.

I'm Not A Twat Bag

Amazing. Possibly the best response yet to the It tote bag craze.
I'm Not A Smug Twat bag by designer Marissa V. Approx $40 USD. I also love this top:

(Apprx $139 USD, Marissa V., Frommarissav.com)
Too bad it's sold out in this color. Boo.

Monday Maybes

Hi peeps.

Here are all the things I'd maybe buy...

TOPS ($86, Yvette Mandell, Boutiquetoyou.com)
Very berry-licious!


($19.50, Fresh Karma, Ronherman.com)
More fruity fun! And the price! Oh the price! Check out what else is on super sale at Ron Herman. Sick, I tell you! SICK!


DRESSES
($132, Splendid, Oliveandbettes.com)
This looks like the height of comfort. And I like that, comfort.


($49, Volcom, Tillys.com)
Plain ol' plaid adorbsness!!


($44, Puella, Ronherman.com)
Light n' lovely!


NOT-MORTS SHORTS
($25, Asos.com)
In lotsa other cute, bold colors too!


($17, Asos.com)
Fun fer the beach or just cold chillaxin'.


ACCESSORIES
($65, Boutiquetoyou.com)
Cute, but maybe not as much as some of the white aviators I've been seeing/ wanting.


($40, Barrysfarm.com)
Two tools in love! What could be cuter??


($58, Urban Outfitters)
Why do they insist upon sucking me back in?


MORTS
($300, Diesel, Asos.com)
Just as it never should have come to pass that Toni Braxton named her children Denim and Diezel, this get-up also never should have come to fruition. Has anyone else been feeling of late that Diesel should just bow out gracefully? Perhaps there was never a better example of why.

If You Like The Birkin, You'll LOVE The Merkin!

In keeping with today's bag theme...

Can't afford a Birkin? Check out the Merkin...

($225, Lauren Merkin, Fengjunk.com)
Such a super gorgeous, totes chic Fall bag.



($76, Lotta Jansdotter, DesignPublic.com)
Adorable, and far more summer-appropes. Reminds me of the Virginia Johnson bags I covet so.



($10.49, Target.com)
Oy! Such a sale, you've nevah seen!

And yes, I am aware that merkin is also a pube wig.

Cute Unnecessary Objet du Jour!

So a match and a cigarette are layin' in bed. Match sez to the cigarette, he sez...

($20, JestJewels.com)
I don't need a card holder (especially since I recently bought this one for the low low price of just $8), and I certainly don't need one for $20, but you can't deny the unbearable cuteness of inanimate objects in bed together!!


Another super cute pair of cutenesses:

($10, LowmanJLL.etsy.com)


Sit tight: more cuteness (and luxe!) to come!

Totes Purchased!

Thank you, Bunnyshop. Because of you, I bought this Brooklyn map tote. For $12 plus $3 shipping. Seems like the perfect thing when you're wearing a floral printed dress and have no acceptably matching-ish handbags, as befell me yesterday. Comes in lots of cities/boroughs for you nonBrooklynites, too. I kind of want to buy the Portland one, too, in case I move there one day. But maybe I'll just plan a visit instead....